poeticgem

My sometimes coherent thoughts
2004-12-03 17:56:36 (UTC)

WHY!

I just don't get it ... now I find out my unemployment
claim has been denied FOR THE SECOND TIME (last year WBB
did the same thing)! I'm being treated like a fucking
criminal! I made an error in judgement, I lose my job for
it, was that not consequence enough? Seems not, now they
are doing this, now they don't even want to pay the damn
unemployment insurance that I need in order to take care
of my kid and I! WHAT THE HELL!

WHY IS MY LIFE SUCH A FUCK UP ... WHY? WHAT ARE YOU
TRYING TO TELL ME GOD? CAN NOTHING BUT NOTHING GO RIGHT?
I AM A GOOD PERSON ... WHY IS MY LIFE ONE CONSTANT FUCK
UP? Without the unemployment, I'm truly fucked BIG TIME!
December's rent was due at the latest today, I still owe
$60 from last month, the phone bill's past due and if I
don't pay $55 by tomorrow they will disconnect, the
electric bill's past due, the cable's past due ... I
bought Chantelle a much needed jacket from EBAY and can't
pay for it ($85!) ... I don't know what to do ... I'm
working for Simon, but only making $6 an hour because
that's all he can afford to pay me, and that wasn't going
to be a problem because I was just going to use it
supplement income when my unemployment was approved, until
I found another good paying full time job.

BUT NOW ... EVERYTHING'S FUCKED UP. And I don't care if
I'm using the damn F word so much ... it's the only word
that seems appropriate right now, the only word that fits
how I feel and even remotely accurate to describe this
situation ...

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? Christmas is less than 3 weeks
away ... how much pressure and stress can one person deal
with?

I will have to go and try to apply for welfare, food
stamps ... how fucking humiliating to go through that
bullshit again ... and for all the trouble not to even get
enough to make that much of a difference ... still, as
always, SOMETHING'S BETTER THAN NOTHING, right ... the
story of my life - BEGGARS CAN'T BE CHOOSERS.

**********

On another note, Joaquin called last night :-)

I really like him, can't stop thinking about him. I don't
know why ... I've just got to get this dating thing
figured out because combined with my insecurity issues and
not ever having really dated, I think it's what's causing
most of the drama that I'm creating ...

But ... then with my situation the way it is ... well, I
may end up having to move to Arizona ... and then that'll
be that as far as my feelings for Joaquin go ... just
another thing that SUCKS!

***************

... somebody send feedback saying that I needed to stop
being the victim ... and that I felt I HAD to sleep with
Joaquin that first night ... I DIDN'T HAVE to, I really
wanted to ... I actually really and truly wanted to ...
just wanted to clarify that ...

WELL, GOD ... NOW WHAT ... DO I STAY AND FIGHT OR DO I
THROW IN THE TOWEL AND RUN TO DADDY? WHAT DO YOU WANT
FROM ME, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ... WHAT ARE YOU TRYING
TO TELL ME ...




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