poeticgem

My sometimes coherent thoughts
2004-12-02 17:53:45 (UTC)

without warning ...

or so it would seem ... without warning the past just
creeps up and creeps in and casts its' miserable,
negativity into the corners of my mind where all my
insecurities dwell ... somehow, someway, the past manages
to find it's target each and every time. And I have no
idea how to get away from it ...

Perhaps my insecurities are expounded upon because I've
never really addressed the wounds of my past ... rather
I've just walked away from them ... I move on ... but
still carry them with me ... and perhaps they've festered
to a point that mandates I have no choice but to tend to
them NOW so that they might heal and eventually give no
cause to taint any possibilities of happiness that should
come my way ... perhaps this is the case.

I mean, my very first sexual experience with a boy was
negative ... and so it would seem that was the catalyst
for virtually all of my experiences that followed ...
nearly 22 years of more bad than good experiences with
men ... perhaps my judgement, my thinking was tainted from
that very first moment and subconciously, my insecurities
have grown in accordance with the actions and consequences
that have ensued as a more or less direct result of that
very first time ... wow, I'm so deep today ...

Well, all this said ... now what? How do I go about
kicking the past to the curb once and for all?

I'd really like to know because I don't think I'll have a
chance at a healthy relationship with anyone new until I
do. I mean all this drama I went through yesterday really
got me thinking ... especially when Joaquin actually did
call me last night and yet talking with him still didn't
alleviate my doubts ... I want to think he's for real, but
I don't. I want to think positive, but I can't ... I want
things to be different this time ... but I'm not sure they
can because the negativity and hurts of my past have so
accumlated and piled up that I feel they've just taken
control and ruined any chance I have for seeing or
thinking clearly ... I just don't know anymore ...

And the worst part is ... I really like this guy. I mean
I REALLY like him! I don't know what it is ... but
there's something about him and I can't get him out of my
mind.

Is there hope for me? How can I find happiness when
perhaps I don't really know what it looks like? I only
have a mental picture of what I believe it to be ... and
when anything comes close to resembling it, I end up doing
something destructive and ruin everything ... it's a
vicious ugly cycle that needs to be broken ... IF ONLY I
KNEW HOW. It's one thing to recognize a problem, but it's
another to find the resolution to erradicating it ...

well ... I will try one MOMENT AT A TIME and see if, for
now, it works ... I wish I had a magic wand ... wish I
could go back to the beginning and do things different ...
but I can't - and, as my father would say, 'if wishes were
horses beggars would ride' ...

GOD HELP ME REMEMBER ALSO THAT IT'S YOUR WILL NOT MY
WILL ... I am like a child who wants something so badly,
but only You know what's best for me ... help me remember
this.

GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT
CHANGE, THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN AND THE
WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE ... THANK YOU AND AMEN




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