poeticgem

My sometimes coherent thoughts
2004-12-02 03:42:44 (UTC)

How to change ...

I don't know how ... I know I need to, but I honestly don't
know how ...

I've spent my life giving away tiny pieces of myself to
people who could care less - I feel I've given away so much
of myself that there's really nothing of value left, almost
like a knit sweater that has slowly been unraveled to the
point that all that's left is barely enough to cover any
skin at all; I spent a decade with someone who valued me
only to the extent of his own convenience; and it doesn't
end. You'd think I'd learn ...

You'd think it would hurt less with the passage of time,
but it doesn't.

I know I have to value myself before someone else can value
me, but the truth of the matter is I DON'T KNOW HOW TO
VALUE MYSELF. I find no value within me ... each time I
get hurt, I feel less and less worthy, less and less
significant ... I shrink inside a little bit more with
every disappointment ... and I find myself becoming rather
jaded with the passage of time ... especially in these past
6 months since leaving Harry.

Nevertheless, tigers cannot change their stripes! I can
momentarily change, but my heart remains the same ...
always hoping ... always trying to think the best .... that
the next time will be different ... but it never is ...
never for me ... the end result is always the same ...

I'm so hurt by what has happened with Joaquin ... but it
seems like I should have expected it. I didn't want to go
into the situation with him expecting the worst ... I
wanted to be happy, I wanted things to be different. I
wanted to believe this time would last ... this time I'd
found a guy who wasn't like all the rest. But once again I
was wrong ... and was I wrong simply because I allowed sex
to be part of the picture from the beginning? I don't
think that's fair at all ... that's just a part of who I
am ... but I just feel so damn stupid because once again
that's all I've been good for ... and the worst part is,
this time I thought I'd really made a connection ... how
stupid is that? How freakin' stupid can a woman of my age
be? Obviously VERY! Still believing the crap that comes
out of men's mouths ...

I just don't know what to do ... I am so tired of this
life ... really I am. For a moment I thought happiness was
within my grasp again ... just a moment ... but I'm like a
broken record ... these experiences just keep happening
again and again and again and again ...

Strangely enough, Chantelle told me tonight that she won't
be able to go to Madison's on Saturday anyway ... rather
ironic I'd say and in a rather creepy way, too!

Well, I'm going to go to bed now ... hopefully things will
look better in the morning ...





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