psychomagnet

sleeptodreamher
2004-12-01 22:27:48 (UTC)

aaghh

whats wrong with livejournal! i have things to say!

and people keep calling me too! and i dont want to talk to
them! ive come to the conclusion that i dont want to work
anymore.

i want to sleep when im tired.

i was thinking about stuf is all. i was reading in
someones journal how mom's are so comforting when you're
sick. and this is someone who seems to be having an issue
or two with their mom right now. so. it made me wonder.

i mean, i know nothing can be perfect. (even though things
with richard are pretty close so far)

but. even when i was a little girl. my mom wasn't
comforting when i was sick. it has ALWAYS been like, like a
crime or something. that i was "bad" for being sick. or
that it wasn't taken seriously.

once she was yelling at me, in sarasota, i had to have been
7 or 8 because i still had that ugly yellow carpet in my
room, and i accidentally stepped on a nail on the edge of
my closet that went straight into my foot. like an inch
and a half in. and i screamed and i cried and she
was 'mad' at me so she didn't even come. and after i
screamed for way too long, she came in yelling and i showed
her and she had this 'what WONT you do for attention'
attitude and left me there. after she calmed down, of
course, she was all 'im so sorry baby' and babied me.

like when i broke my foot in march or whenever. and it was
a big fucking inconvienience for HER to sit 'in this
fucking hospital' like she 'didnt have anything better to
do.'

and when my ovaries were rupturing inside my body and i was
in severe pain and depression consistently for months. and
she STILL jokes about how i went to the emergency room
for 'cramps.' for a cyst the size of an orange rupturing.
yeah or cramps. whatever.

i was sick a lot. ive always been sick a lot. and shes
never been comforting.

and i consider us pretty close, until i wonder WHY.

she doesnt know anything about me. yeah, she knows my
favorite color and my favorite foods.

but does she know how much her husbands son abusing me
affected my whole attitude toward men and sex?

does she know how much seeing my dad hit her and her stab
him and hear them screaming and banging down doors when i
was 4 affected my whole attitude toward men and love and
family?

but does she know that my first boyfriend used to push me
and hit me and force me to let him touch me and call me a
fucking whore if i talked to any other guys in the
neighborhood?

does she know i started crying myself to sleep every night
and many afternoons when i was in 3rd grade?

does she know that until recently, i'd drink shots alone
when i got home at night until i fell asleep?

does she even SEE the pale scars on my hand and arms and
ankles? does she wonder why there are so many? does it ever
cross her mind that i cut each scar into my skin
deliberately because i was in so much pain inside?

does she know that the boy she was so crazy about me being
with treated me worse than anyone ever has? does she know
that he told me over and over how worthless i was, that id
never be anything, that i was stupid and a whore and ugly
and fat and insane, and that he was the best person i
deserved, even though he knew himself that he was terrible?
does she know he used to fuck me until i cried and my
sobbing didnt even so much as slow him down, he still
wouldnt stop until he was finished?

maybe THIS is why she isn't falling at richard's feet
praising him and thanking him for taking care of her baby.

because she doesnt know, she doesnt even have any idea
whats inside my head. what she, her husband and his son did
to me. i must be a behaviorist because i believe that
people imitate what they see. i look back on my childhood
and its so perfectly clear to me why im such a mess of
an 'adult.'