Joy

Pieces of Me
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2004-11-29 05:10:05 (UTC)

Why Can't There Be An 'Off' Button?

My mind has been in overdrive lately. It really makes me
wish I could just turn it off when thinking becomes too
much to handle.
My head is filled with thoughts completely unrelated to
each other, and there are so many of them moving around so
quickly that I can't seem to concentrate on any one thing
long enough to have a logical thought process. I feel
so... scattered.
But on the upside, thoughts and worries about the person I
mentioned in the previous entry seem to have gone as
quickly as they came, and now all I'm left with is a good
cd. =o)

Anyway.

I realized quite awhile ago that no one on this
planet really understands me or knows who I am, and
although I still feel lonely sometimes, I'm becoming more
comfortable with the idea.
What I hadn't realized until recently was that I don't
really understand me or know who I am either. That's a
little harder to deal with. I mean, how am I supposed to
be a psychologist and figure other people out when I have
no idea what's going on with myself?

Although I suppose I do really understand myself and know
who I am, at least to some extent.... It's just that I'm
not always willing to admit it to myself. And I'm
definitely not willing to admit it to anyone else...not in
its entirety.

It's a difficult concept to overcome when you realize that
you have become something you could never have imagined,
especially when compared to the image of what you always
hoped and always expected you would be.

Lately, I always feel like I'm arguing with myself. I am
so many different things, and I can't seem to settle on
any one thing to be. Maybe that's just not how it goes.
Maybe everyone is like that.
Part of me knows how I SHOULD be, but another part of me
has absolutely no desire to be that way at all. Total
polar opposites.

It's like a constant struggle between the old me, the
current me, and the potential future me.
Just fighting with myself all of the time makes me
incredibly exhausted.

But anyway... I'm re-reading this book series, and I
noticed that, while it may be incredibly lame, I can see a
lot of myself in each of the female characters, and I find
it kind of interesting. I've never really been able to
describe myself in detail using words, but I can easily
describe these characters, so it's actually been a little
helpful in figuring myself out a bit.


First there's Zoey, an incredibly compassionate,
emotionally complicated girl who can never seem to decide
between herself and other people, but she always manages
to stick stubbornly to her own beliefs and morals when it
really counts.

Then there's Aisha, a reasonable, intelligent person who
demands a logical explanation for everything and always
insists on listening to her mind rather than following her
heart all over the place... and yet, she still manages to
screw up every now and again.

Nina's character is the type of girl who makes a joke out
of everything, does her own thing, and gives the
impression that she doesn't care what anyone thinks of her
while she's actually damaged, sensitive, and has serious,
deep-rooted issues that she keeps to herself.

And Claire is a sneaky, analytical, calculating,
manipulative bitch who is apathetic much more often than
not and never lets on that she is bothered by anything.
She plans her every action rather than acting on impulse,
anticipates every response correctly, is rarely surprised
by anyone or anything, nearly always gets her way, and
never does anything for anyone else unless it benefits her
in some way.

Yes, believe it or not, I am all of those things.

Contradictions galore.

Put those characteristics together so that they make up a
single human being, and you have SOME of who I am at this
moment. Of course, there are plenty of other things that I
am that aren't included in any of those characters...
which is probably for the best, because a very select few
would be prepared to read about such things.

Hm.
It appears as though I've actually come right out and
described some of who I am for the whole world to read, if
they so choose to. It's more than I ever thought I'd
readily admit to the public.
I'm sure most of it isn't much of a surprise though, which
is good.

I hope no one's original idea of me was totally and
completely different from what I actually am.
Unless, of course, someone out there is idolizing me... in
which case, you can just keep thinking that I'm wonderful.
That's fine.
Just don't stalk me and we're good.
LoL.


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