misanthropeerin

Just a little me
2004-11-22 01:53:41 (UTC)

open shut case

I can't define goodness anymore. I thought it would be in
his eyes, but I no longer have the safetynet to fall into.
It was pulled out from me before I was ready. And don't
say I was ready and just didn't want to accept it. No. To
this day I am still not prepared for the things I face. I
face them alone. It's easier to hide from myself than it
was to hide from him. I have no one to impress in this
state. I cry, but it can be excused. In his presence, I
had to pretend. Pretending to be happy. Clearly I wasn't
making him happy. My own happiness is a constant struggle
to achieve. How can I be responsible for giving someone
else a reason to keep me around? I don't understand why
this older guys on their own have any interest in me. I
still have a curfew and live with my parents. It's not
something I can avoid. They can't corrupt me with their
drug infested worlds free of rules and consequences. From
the beginning, can't they tell fights will erupt from the
limits I have placed on me? It's where I am in my life.
They are beyond that point, and for them to travel
backwards in time is something unnecessary. I am
unncessary. Why is then that they take me on? I can't
answer that. I can only make a hypothesis. Boys like girls
that own beauty. Perhaps they overlooked all the
insecurities for the figure and the willingness to explore
a world of sexuality. Emotion, pain, annoyance soon
followed. Those outweighed any physical desires that were
being fulfilled. I was left to go. A shove to the door.
And all I know is that they were the ones welcoming me in.
I never knocked. The door was opened for me and I was
ushered in. Now I face deadbolts and alarm systems. It's
safer in my own house. I control the windows. Sometimes I
sit by the window and stare into the darkness. The
loneliness is broken when a few cars drive by going to
destinations of happiness, emergency, or routine. I'm
inside. For now, my place is to watch whether others go.




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