Cowgirl_Mom

How do I let go?

To start, Wendy, I have just read your message, and hey,
I'm sorry too. We all have buttons that can be pushed, and
I guess you pushed mine. I don't generally mind feedback,
and I don't want my diary private, I kind of like knowing
other people may or may not benefit from what I write. I
started this diary when I was very lonely and had a very
hard time recovering from my separation and divorce. It
was an outlet that I desparately needed, and sometimes
still do. Some people pray, some drink, some exercise, I
like to write (or type). It used to be doing crafty stuff,
but that has been hard to do with a 10 month old going
everywhere and getting into all kinds of things. The other
thing is that a good friend of mine has had to move back to
Canada (immigration laws suck!) and this is a cheap way to
keep her abreast of what's happening here so when we do get
a chance to talk on the phone, we don't spend our whole
time catching up on the last couple of months.
Okay, I hope that that's all clear now...Something happened
this weekend that I should have expected, but I still
reacted to it. Tyler had a "Raingutter Regatta" with his
Cub Scout group on Saturday morning and of course, it fell
on his Dad's visitation weekend. I called his Dad about it
as soon as I knew about the conflict, and he tells me that
he has things to do at his mother's house that morning, so
I'd have to take him to his Regatta and then bring Tyler to
him at a half-way place (I'm not sure that there was a
convenient spot, he never volunteered one) after the
races. And, as I always hate this time of year with split
households, he now, after 5 years of me giving him Tyler
for Christmas Eve (his family celebrates on the Eve, while
my family does it Christmas day) and then I have him for
Christmas morning and day, he wants to know if he can have
him for Christmas morning. I tell him, this year, of all
years, he wants him for Christmas Day? It's the baby's
first Christmas, and also the first Christmas that my
husband will be here (he's usually in Pennsylvania with his
family)! I asked him if I had a choice, and he tells me
no. So, my husband and I talk it over, agree that he
should have him, but that we will get him back on Christmas
Day, either my ex can bring him into town to my
grandparent's house (if we are celebrating there) or if we
are celebrating out here again, then Don will go to his
house to retrieve Tyler himself. I call him back with
this, and he tells me he doesn't even know what they are
doing for the holidays yet, he just wanted to ask. Talk
about really yanking my chain!
The week proceeds, and he still hasn't given me a definite
answer about this weekend. He finally calls on Thursday
afternoon (he is due to pick him up on Friday!), just to
see 'what is up with Tyler'. He just flippantly says,
well, tell him I guess I will see him sometime on
Saturday. Saturday comes, we have Tyler (not a big deal),
and I take him to his races. The races have been postponed
to 2 that afternoon. Not good, I had based my whole day
around the 9 am start time. I call my ex. By the time I
got off of the phone with him 5 mins and 55 seconds later,
I am screaming, shaking with anger, and then crying. He
has informed me that it is not worth it to him to drive out
to South Austin to pick up Tyler. I tell him that here are
two choices, he just needs to make a decision. I am coming
into town regardless on my way to north of town for another
commitment, I can drop off his and his Mom's popcorn orders
along with Tyler and he can tell Tyler why he is not going
to the Raingutter Regatta, or he can make the choice to not
see him at all because he didn't want to drive south to
pick him up after his races. He refuses to make a
decision. His feelings are that it is his time and he
should not have to rearrange his schedule or plans for
Tyler. Okey dokey, and you are the only one rearranging
your schedule?
Be back later, I have to leave, Tyler's vacuuming our room.