Charles Deason

My Blue Sky
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2004-11-19 11:55:24 (UTC)

The worst pain ever...

Oh... It all happened on tuesday, four days ago from now.
Its Astrid... It happened right out of the blue. She said
basically that she needed a break in our relationship, and
shes been feeling distant from me. I don't know what
triggered it. But I felt more pain in my heart than I've
ever felt in my whole life. It feels like a broken heart.
She told me that she STILL loves me with all of her heart
and soul. BUT what really hurt me and scared me to this day
is that she wanted to find out if she really wants to be in
this relationship in the long run. After...everything we've
had together. her voice on that song "from this moment on"
she sent me, her letters, her presents, her emails, oh damn
it makes me want to cry now just thinking about it! I want
to tell her directly how I felt because I haven't told her,
and I can't go on in life without her. I cried that day...
I cried louder and more than I ever had in my life, and I
kept doing it all night. I cried until my body felt numb.
If I just knewhow she truly feels about me, and if she
would tell me that she dosen't want to break up with me, I
would feel so much better. She actually said that she
doesn't want to, and that she still sleeps with my
picture... which is comforting for my heart. I don't to
break up with her either!! I love her more than my own
existence! And I know that sounds crazy but its true, and I
don't think I could bare losing her. I know I can't! I'm
praying so hard to be with her. Because that is my dream.
My dream of finding and keeping true love for as long as I
live both in this world and the next. When I talk to her, I
do feel much better, but when I'm not able to, it KILLS
ME!! I think I need to tell her, but I'm afraid that she
might think that we shouldn't be together because of it.
Well... I'm taking a deep breath. I have to do whats in my
heart as well. Even if it might tear us so far apart we may
never see each other again. But when I got myself involved
with her, I knew of the risks I might encounter. Love is
like that its never predictable. I learned the hard way.
Well I should go, I'm making myself feel worse. I can only
hope and pray for my success of being with her.


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