Codesmith

Life, Or Something Like It
2004-11-17 16:24:00 (UTC)

All That Ails Me

It's 1117, Wednesday. 932am. It was 32 degrees last I
checked. But then this week's temperature has been slated to
be somewhere in the 50's. Yesterday it wasn't really like
that at all. But maybe that's because we're near the lake.

The last few days have been something of a mess for me. In
retrospect, it's been a mess for me for about two weeks now.
Two weeks total. I sometimes would like to blame
circumstances, but I have a hard time doing that. I'm too
much of a perfectionist.

I'm not really sure where to start.

I was on the bus the other day, ... I think it must have
been Monday. There was these two guys sitting in the front.
I was within earshot of them, and it seemed as if they were
familiar with each other. Acquaintances, if you will. One of
them was a college student, and the other was either a
really senior college student or someone who just took the
city bus.

At anyrate, so the college student is making small talk with
the older passenger. The student says something to the
effect of, "I can't wait to graduate! Then I can be out in
the real world and start working." The older passenger said
something in response like, "Ya I hear you. There's only so
much time that can go by before you start to want to work."

I think that had to epitomize just what I was feeling right
then and there. My lack of committment to my classes as of
the last two weeks has been something of ... a problem to
me. It's foolish I know. I should have graduated by now, but
I haven't. I took that year off when I was a freshman, and
now it's beginning to seem my college life is going to be
forever to me. I have to admit it did me some good, but ...
there was a trade off.

I'm not really in the mood to spare the details for what led
up to that point in my life. So I'll save that for another
time, if I can ever remember. Maybe ignoring it, is my way
of dealing with it. Probably the same way I'm dealing with
classes. I don't understand the problem is with me. My
classes are easy. Why don't I want to put the effort into them?

It takes me one lecture to understand what the professor is
talking about, while it takes others lots of time alone with
the professor to grasp what it is I grasp. Even if I were to
go back right now, I'm confident that I could pick things up
as if I had never been gone.

I think it's something of a domino effect. Once I start
skipping, I can't stop skipping.

And this ... zoning out thing. It's beginning to bother me.
I've only had it once before in my life, and that was when I
was a freshman. I'm definitely not taking another year off,
I mean I can't stand the way that things are now. Not to
mention that the number of tech jobs are beginning to cycle
back to the top, so I need to graduate as fast as I can.

I think at times, I just wish my University could offer a
one time final exam at anytime during the semester for any
of your classes. So that if you were to complete it and
pass, you pass the class. Simple. Elegant. I'm out of here.

So I suppose this entry will be something of a discussion of
how I "feel". I really hate saying that. I'm always reminded
of those New Age self-help books featuring somewhat
questionable pop-psychology advice. We had Dr. Spock,
afterall, talk about child development in the 80's. He was a
really popular child psychologist who wrote a ton of books
on the topic of how your child "feels" and how best to raise
them. Great. Now look at how my generation turned out.

I have an odd feeling that Dr. Spock's book was the logical
followup to "modernizing" your life. I say logical because
prior to that the American home had been for some time been
inundated with modern technology and new understandings of
the world around us. It would only make sense that the next
thing Americans would try to modernize was how we raise
children. How we think. How we perceive the world. Abstract
things like that. That's just such bullshit. I shouldn't
even get started on how much I hate those MSN articles
featuring one liners designed to intrigue and suck you into
an article with questionable information.

I think I was turned off to MSN the minute they started
mentioning how the hacker community was evil. Sorry, but
that's a 90's stereotype that was bred from an 80's mindset
and an 80's movie. But I guess, you know, MSN wouldn't
attract traffic to its site if they couldn't generate
interesting articles. What more interesting than the
somewhat shadowy and elusive subculture of computer
enthusiasts? Being a CS major, I take especial offense.

I've been going on a tangent for some time now. I think
that's just another way I handle my problems. I
procrastinate and ignore them. Not healthy in the least. In
fact it probably leads to them getting worse. In fact alot
of times, I don't even read my University email. I just
always dread when I get a "New Mail Messages" alert at the
terminal screen.

I think now and my mind is frequented with thoughts of
running to Switzerland and doing various illegal things and
acquire a nice horde of money. As to why, Switzerland ... I
don't know. Maybe because, ... well. It seems like a rather
nice place to live. Must be the snow.

For some I just got tired. I'm not sure if maybe because
I've been just talking about how I feel all this time or
maybe because I'm actually tired. I woke up at 530am, as I
usually do. For some reason, the desire to write is
beginning to fade from me.

I think it has something to do in part with my ... being
unable to focus as of recently. Among other things. I really
don't think that my lack of wanting to write is caused by
any sort of loss of interest in my journal. In fact, the
past few days I've wanted to write ... it's just that I've
not been able to really motivate myself.

... Perhaps another thing which has affected my ability to
focus.

There's this old movie that I really enjoy watching. It's
called Desperado, featuring Salmya Hayek and Antonio
Banderas. Putting aside the movie's various faults such as a
bit of cheesy acting and implausible outcomes, ... like for
instance the gun fights where he survives being shot at with
automatic weaponry.

I mean, there's this one scene where El Mariachi is standing
on the bar and as he's about to fire into the group of
gun-toting thugs. It's then that he realizes that his guns
are out of bullets. In turn, the thugs take that chance to
start firing automatic weapons at El Mariachi, ... at a
distance of less than ten feet. I mean, really now ... those
assault weapons must really suck or the thugs were really
bad shots. But still, two or three of them, spraying full
auto in front of them? You're bound to hit something in
front of you. I mean, I suppose it's likely that the recoil
from firing the weapon in full auto, pushed the barrel in
such a way to allow for the trajectory of the bullets to
travel in the direction which conveniently outlined El
Mariachi's body, thereby missing him entirely ... But, not
very probable.

But I mean, the film really goes from interesting to not
very plausible quite quickly for me. The only redeeming part
of the movie is what happens at the very beginning. It just
seems ... touching.

The scenes I'm talking about is when Stephen Buscemi comes
to the hotel room where El Mariachi is at, hiding. Buscemi
tells El Mariachi that Bucho is definitely in the next town.
Buscemi then asks for one thing from El Mariachi. Namely
Buscemi asks El Mariachi not go on the killing spree like he
did last time in the other town. To which, El Mariachi
replies that the last one, "... wasn't my fault". Buscemi
asks in an unbelievingly tone, "Oh, really?". Justifying
himself but not looking up, El Mariachi says, "No ... They
started it."

After a conversation that somewhat foreshadows how the end
will turn out, El Mariachi gets ready to go to the next
town. It's here that "Manifold De Amor" plays in the
background. El Marichi shaves, fixes his hair, and then
lights a candle to pray.

I always thought at first, that the reason El Marichi prayed
was because he felt he was going to die or because he was
praying for the soul of his long dead girlfriend. But I
think in relation to the previous conversation with Buscemi,
it might have also been because El Mariachi didn't like
having to take so many lives to avenge one person. He was
afterall, only after Bucho, and not everyone else. It wasn't
so much that he was in the dillema of whether one life was
worth so many other lives, e.g Saving Private Ryan. But,
that he had been forced to alter the course in his life by
doing things he didn't want to do.

In a weird kind of way, I feel like I'm going to die. I
suppose, technically I am. I mean, there's only so many
times my cells can divide and replenish. After that, the
kill sequence gets signaled and I cease to exist. Each time
I eat food, it causes a metabolic reaction in my system
which speeds up cell division. In turn, this speeds up my
demise. Ironically, everytime I don't eat ... it brings me
that one step closer to demise as well.

That's enough talking about how I "feel" ... I need to start
on a new entry.




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