plaCEbo

Sheilding versus Unsheilding
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2004-11-16 15:16:14 (UTC)

understanding

the reason my thoughts have been scrambled isn't easy to put
into words...

he's who i liked for such a long time. he's who i'm totally
in love with now. no doubt about it. he's who i see myself
with in the future with 8 little bikeys running a muck (he
says only 1). it's not the love that's the problem. i
still see it in weary eyes when he looks at me. i still
feel it in his kiss, his touch, his words. it's not the
love at all. he doesn't spend enough time with me. true
there is distance but that's what the communicator is for.
lately (you know like the past 6 months) i've been the one
initiating the phone calls. it can't work one-way. i just
can't. i've mentioned it to him many times. it was one of
the reasons i broke it off a bit ago. he just doesn't
understand.

i know he's horribly busy. people get like that sometimes.
but he seems to make time for hanging out with other
people, than to talk to the fiance who doesn't see him but
once a month b/c she's several hunderd miles away!!!. oh no
!! that's TOO difficult to do. his excuse is that i'm not
here and it will be different when i'm here. for some
reason, i highly doubt that it'll be different. i know
that's thinking negative, but the signs aren't pointing in a
different direction.

i don't want to lose him over something that can easily be
fixed on his part. it really is simple. call me. that's it.
call me more than right before he passes out for his
exhausted day. i've settled for him call me on his way from
work b/c he's getting a little better. it's not just from
work, it's OCCASIONALLY to work. that's better than 5
minutes out of 24 hours! it's just not enough time. he
says he doesn't have anymore time. but i know he does. i'm
just fed up with being the only one taking action in the
relation ship and being the only making time for the other.
it's harder when the love burden rests on one single person
the majority of the time.

it makes me feel like he doesn't love me when i know he
does. it makes me feel like i'm not a priority. it makes me
feel like he only cares about me when it's convenient
instead of all the time. it makes me feel like i'm not apart
of his life b/c it's the ONLY way i get insight into what's
happening there. he doesnt write or such like that and
that's fine, but when he doesn't communicate with me, i feel
incomplete. it makes me feel neglected. it makes me feel
abandonned, lost, sorta empty...you know. all the things i
felt before we were together. i don't like those feelings.
i dont like feeling like that at all. why is there no place
for me in his world? i use to have a spot right next or at
least near to him. now i'm so far down the line that all
you see are my balls peeping over the crowd.

what's worse...he tries to make up for it with monetary
compensation. for material girls, that could temporarily
pacify the situation. for me, it doesn't work. he says he
wants to be able to support me. well, for me, that's
letting me into your life and you playing a role in mine.
if i wanted money, i could go out and get it. i'm capable of
supporting myself financially...just not at the moment.
jajaja people get married for money and some for love and
some even both. i'm in it for the love. it's something not
everyone can easily find. i've found it, luckily, and it
feels like a piece of the love has broken off and dissolved
in thin air. that piece would be the part of the
communication. part is gone and the other part is
struggling to keep face. what happened to it? why did he
decided that it wasn't important? why does he think that
he's too busy? by saying he's too busy, it implies that he's
too busy for the relationship, for out love, for the
communication between lovers, for the love and communication
with me. i want it to work. i really do, but he's gotta
rebuild the missing link in order for it to work. i can't
be the only one making time for the other nor should i be
the only one taking time out of a hectic schedule to spend
time with someone they WANT GREATLY to be by their side for
days, months, years, centuries, eternity! muahahahaha i
want homebaked cookies. ok. now that my soul is flooded
with tears, i'm going to venture to la biblioteca.

oh yeah. as you can see, i'm starting a new phase of my
life so i decided to start a new phase in here. all previous
183 entries will eventually be completely elliminated.
-psycho


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