i miss you...
your voice.... singing to me .... for me
the gentleness of your touch
the detail with which you listened
and the lack of fear in discussing anything and
everything no matter how unfamiliar the topic
your enthusiasm concerning music....
and your good taste where it’s concerned
your lithe, tall frame and loping laziness to your stride
the tilt of your head and structure of your features
that always made you appear both emotive
and elegant at the same time
your strength and peace
curling up with you on the sofa to watch a movie
mac and cheese with too much pepper
watching you mow the lawn
walks around the neighborhood in the evenings
watching you shave in the shower
you, coming outside just to give a kiss or a touch
the spot on your chest where my nose nuzzled when we hugged
your scent on the pillow
blending with that of laundry detergent
i wonder sometimes how things would be different....
if i hadn’t ever let the doctor put me on paxil
if i’d realized sooner just how different...
how crazy...the stuff made me
if i hadn’t made the so very selfish decisions i did
if i hadn’t hurt you
i can’t say...
that i’m not “happy”
or that don’t sit in some definition of “content”
that he doesn’t take care of me
or that i don’t love him
neither can i say that i don’t miss everything about you...
because... i do.