Christine

Down Down Down

11-13-04
10 pm

I am so low right now. I can't take the cycles. I can't
handle life. I can't handle pretending anymore. I was
wishing to die in an accident. I drove across the street,
am safe, a minute or so later cops are swarming and I
think I see cars in the intersection. Even if it wasn't an
accident, something bad happened that should of happened
to me.

I can't handle the fights anymore. I am so weak. I cut
everytime we argue. Lately on my wrists with a blade that
doesn't really scar. I now find it funny because I am
afraid to scar my rms more so because I want to be pretty
in a wedding dress. Like a real wedding will ever happen
to me. Ugly girls like me do not get married. They get led
on by guys because they are easy.

Speaking of ugly, maybe that is why no one will hire me.
Psychology Today says pretty people are hired before ugly
people. Of course I was trying so hard to not be ugly but
why bother. I won't have a wedding. My mom will never
think I am pretty. It is pointless. Besides, being
unhealthy should kill me faster.

I am freezing and writing in my car. I have sleeping
utensils in the car, but am not sure if I can handle the
cold tonight. Plus I am scared of cops harassing me. I
just want him to find me gone and think I died in an
accident. I almost did a year ago. I wish I would of. I
lived through awful physical pain just to be bombarded by
crippling emotional pain that I didn't think would bother
me again. I wanted the storybook romance, but most of all
I wanted to be loved. Why am I so unlovable? Why can't I
be loved the way I am? Why am I expected to reach a level
of beauty I cannot attain without surgery? I try so hard
in life but keep getting fucked. I am sick of lying to my
mom about my life and pretending that my life is perfect.
I can't take disappointing her further. What kind of
daughter am I? I can't even get a real job or a real
husband. Plus I am not a beauty pageant winner like she
is. She has the perfect like and I am jealous in a way.

I am so confused. I thought I knew what a soulmate was. I
thought that by doing many good deeds, karma would help me
out. I was so wrong. Good deeds don't mean shit. Hard work
and integrity are bullshit. I always do the right thing
and get screwed. I have become so bitter from being fucked
over so many times. Too much backstabbing. Too much lying.
Too many bad people in the world. I can;t compete. In the
end the bad guy will always win and I will lose. I've
already lost almost everything in life. Why must it
continue?

I wish I had somewhere to stay. If I go home or sleep in
my car, I will still hurt myself. I alrady ate unhealthy
food as punishment. Im already bloodied and internally
battered. I wish I was brave enough to slash my wrists
with a real knife, hard enough to die. But I am a wimp. I
am a pathetic dumbass cunt who doesn't deserve to live but
yet remains. I am nothing.