2004-11-05 18:04:50 (UTC)

your love is thick and it swallowed me whole.

i dont use this one much anymore, i think its been 3

but i want to write some stuf thats guna be overly sappy
and goopy and lovey and personal.

this is the most normal ive felt since i can remember. and
its not easy for me. i know im weird about stuf. im
hesistant and akward and uncomfortable. because its never
been like this. its always been some sick twisted
obsessive game of control and power and whos guna fuck who
over first and distrust and resentment. this is like.

i could never fall asleep with matt. i would lay there
thinking, did this mean anything to him, is he fucking
someone else, does he care about me at all. sometimes id
even be scared, if he was mad at me recently, because he
really is psychotic.

there have been too many psychos in my life. too many
people who have used me, treated me like im insane, treated
me like a whore. too many people who have physically and
emotionally abused me.

and he looks at me and says 'i love you' and my first
reaction is to say 'why???'. jesus, WHY? i cant remember
the last time someone looked at me and said that, and i
dont know if ANYONE ever looked at me and said that and i

im in love with the sweetest, most honest and loving person
i know. and for some reason, he loves me.

and so if my spine is crooked and my rib cage is indented
and my computers broken and my dads suicidal and my moms
depressed my mind isnt making enough chemicals to make me
happy... its okay because he loves me:) :) :)