Behind Closed Doors

Shattered Dreams
2004-11-01 04:57:14 (UTC)

Halloween

Wow...I havent written in this for a long time. Very long
time. I guess I could update you on the current events. I
went and visited my family today for halloween. I saw my
little brother who is 2 now. Man, he's grown so much. I
missed so much of his life. I dont know why, but I am very
depressed today.

I keep thinking about what I've done wrong and how much I
wish I could go back in time and change everything. I miss
Will...I miss who he used to be. I miss everything about
him. I miss my old friends...I miss Indiana and the people
I've met there. Time has gone by so quickly. Colin wants
nothing to do with me anymore. He wont even talk to me when
we are around other people. He's so strange like that. I
know there is soemthing he wont tell me. I dont know. All I
want is to be friends with him. If I only knew...I should
ahve never dated him. It ruined everything. We dont have
fun anymore...I dont know.

No one knows what it's like to be me. Everyone's life is
different. Everyone takes life a different way and every
way can burden them differently. Not many people understand
that. My life might not be so bad...but to me...I hate it.
Days and Days go bad and I wonder why I havent committed
suicide or just committed myself to an institute. Suicide
doesnt seem to work...People dont understand how much it
would mean to me to give myself up. How much happier I
would be if I just didnt exsist. No one cares...If they do,
they sure as hell have a fucked up way of showing it. For
instance...If it wasnt for me Flash would have never met
Lidnesy...Jess would have never met any friends in CT. Now
they both treat me like shit. Jess thinks I emailed her
husbands boat and told him she's fucking around with other
NAVY boys...???...I'm like what the fuck would I care if
you cheated on your husband? Like I really want to start
more drama and ruin her life...Sorry Jess, but your
melodrama doesnt interest me. Ever since she started making
more friends at the barracks it's like hey fuck Krystal! I
have new friends!

I went to this party at The Place...I felt out of place.
People ignored me and pretended as if they had no idea I
was there. People who I thought I could label as my
friends. The party was cut short, for reasons I wont get
into. But the reason was pretty cool. Reminded me of the
fast and the furious movie. Sheila hit on just about every
guy there. People were talking about her and it kind of
pissed me off. Then again they were right. They talked
about how Heather is turning out to be just like her. I can
see it happening slowly. They are both my friends though,
so I kept my mouth shut. I just told them that, thats just
who they are. I dont know...

School is fine I guess...I'm starting to lose interest in
it. I guess it's because I've been so depressed lately. I
hate living here. I wish I could have my own room. I miss
my room. I miss my cats...I miss my bird and being alone. I
miss having a place to hide from everyone. Listen to my
music and just relax and worry about nothing. No drama, no
one to bother me. I think I'm going to shut myself out. I'm
going to stop talking to people and just finish school and
then take off. Where I'm going to go...who knows. I have
some ideas as to where I'll be when I finish school.

I dont feel like writing much more. I think I'm going to go
for a drive and listen to some music...maybe get some gas
and drive up to a quiet spot. Just sit and think. I want to
go roller blading tomarrow...sounds fun...maybe go see a
movie. I guess I could go by myself...I dont think Colin
really wants to go with me. Whatever. I just wanted to go
with someone who I thought understood how it feels to be so
depressed all the time. I figured since were both stuck
here why not do something to make our time here a little
more entertaining. Fuck it. Why bother caring about someone
who doesnt care about you anymore than he cares about the
NAVY.




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