Codesmith

Life, Or Something Like It
2004-10-29 11:34:57 (UTC)

Past Two Days

It's 1029, Friday. 625am. I saw this weird shape in the
sky about 30 minutes ago. It kind of disturbed me a bit.
It looked to be like, some sort of floating monster. It
was kind of whitish, and it looked to be made of bits of
cloud. I didn't have my contacts on, so I figure it must
have just either been some clouds, or some kind of ...
cloud. I was going to say the moon, but my eyes aren't
that bad without my contacts.

So, I didn't write yesterday ... as I didn't really get
much of a chance. I had my alarm set to 530am, and then I
snoozed for about an hour. It was about 630am when I got
up ... I didn't have breakfast. The reason being was that
I was loathe to enter the kitchen. I don't know if I
mentioned this in yesterday's entry ... oh wait, I didn't
do a yesterday entry.

So basically, I walked home from school on Wednesday. I
get into the house, and I put my stuff away ... eat my
lunch. I didn't pack all but one sandwich that day, as I
was running pretty latet. I go into the kitchen, and
something black darts into the stove burner. It's a mouse.

I didn't think mice could move that incredibly fast, so my
first reaction is fear. It kind of makes me jump in place
a bit. Then I'm like ... what was that? I hear a little
scurrying, ... like, claws on metal. And apparently he
hides in the stove burners for like ... 15 minutes. After
awhile I figure he's gone, and I try to figure out what to
do. Well, I thought of trying to kill it. But, I really
have no way to do it. But then it occurs to me that it's
in the stove burners. Well to be honest, it's not really
on the stove burner or underneath it.

Our stove, I suppose, is built like any other stove. That
is, there is an oven unit, which is a self contained area
with heating elements and the various steel racks. Then
there's the topside, which has four coiled heating
elements for heating up pots and skillets. When you remove
the coiled heating elements, you can also then remove this
steel heat guard or something that lies underneath the
coiled element. Underneath the heat guard, there is this
empty space underneath the topside. I believe it's a
spaced area that acts as a buffer between the topside
burners and the oven unit. It makes sense since you
wouldn't want the oven to get hot, and then in turn make
the topside hot as well. Although that's kinda what
happens to one of the grills when I turn on the oven ...

But anyhow, ... the mouse was in that buffer. Or for as
much as I could determine. I figured if I covered all the
grill burners, and then in turn turn on the oven ... it
would kill the mouse. Of course, the idea of whether or
not it was ethical, humane, ... and what not came into mind.

I honestly say, that I felt good about doing it. In fact,
it seemed a bit cruel to do it. But after two visits into
the kitchen and seeing the mouse scurry around into the
stove, I figure that I really had to do this. There's no
way I could catch that thing with my bare hands. So I
covered the grills and turned on the oven. I hoped that
the mouse would get a quick death. Although, that's
probably being too optimistic.

I think what should be noted is that I decided to enact
this rather morably questioned plan, after the second or
third visit to the kitchen. The reason for this is because
I was bothered ... about how the mouse managed to get on
the counter in the first place. I mean, obviously the
mouse didn't come with the stove. He must have been on the
floor level originally, before coming up. I suppose he
could have always climbed up somehow and accessed some
deteriorated wall and then chewed a hole into the oven or
something. But there are no holes or anything. The
cupboards are clean of mouse poop.

In other words, if the mouse fled into the buffer then it
probably meant he had another exit besides the grill
elements.

Which I suspect is the case, since I didn't smell anything
awfully funny when I turned the oven on to 500 degrees for
one hour.

It's kinda strange. I was really hating this mouse, since
it was really disruptting my day to day routine. I
couldn't get close to the stove out of concern that the
mouse would leap at me or something. So I didn't get
anything to eat for dinner that night. It totally screwed
up my nutrtion plan. I gained about 0.4 pounds today, ...
which I imagine is because my body went into starvation
mode for more than 18 hours.

So everything I ate yesterday, or Thursday I mean, ... got
stored quickly. I had about 630 calories. Which I know
isn't good or anything. I think it's going to take my body
a few days to get out of starvation mode. But yesterday we
were a little adventurous and decided to check the oven. I
don't think the mouse is there anymore. So I guess ... we
can use the stove ... but it feels kind of gross if that
makes any sense.

In fact, last night I was forced to cook dinner on that
thing. It was really disgusting. Although the food never
came into contact with the contaminated surfaces ... it's
still something I would deem unhygienic. I cooked my food
in the oven. But I had to like, cook food on the skillet
for the girls. I think it was something like, teriyaki
chick and rice. I can't believe they even wanted their
food cooked on that thing. If it were me, I would have
ordered out. Which I would have, but I'm really serious
about my nutrtional plan.

We bought mice traps. I should have planted them yesterday
when the house was still filthy. But I didn't cause of two
reasons. One, I'm kind of ... sympathetic for the mouse.
The only reason he is in here, is because it's almost
winter out and there's scarcely anything out there to eat.
Secondly, ... I'm lazy.

I think in truth, I'm hoping that the mouse will leave the
house without me having to do it the lethal way. Maybe,
the mouse could visit our neighbors. Either the family
that doesn't say hi to us, or grandma. I'm sure the better
choice would be grandma, as her senses are probably not as
sharp as they use to be.

Regarding the mouse traps ... I'm a bit reluctant to use
the stick tapes, since that kills really slowly. The
poison too ... I don't know. It's lethal in one dose, but
it kills slowly. Not to mention that the poison gets left
in the blood stream. I wouldn't want an owl to eat the
dead mouse and then have the owl die or anything. The way
the poison works, is apparently it makes the mouse really
thirsty. So that he goes outside in search of water ...
where he dies because, you know, he's had poison and all.
So he dies outside of the house. How ingenius ... Well
sorta. The mouse doesn't always die outside. If it dies
inside the house, like say in the wall ... then the scent
of decaying mouse is kind of ... overpowering. Which I
find to be even more unhygienic.

Although there has been an upside to this. I've been
sharing a bedroom with two girls. Well not really. I told
Beth yesterday that I got to sleep in bed with the
therapist and Lisa. Which ... is technically true. But
misleading. The therapist stayed over again, as she didn't
feel like driving across town to go back home or anything.
So of course she stayed the night again. But considering
how there's a mouse here, ... she didn't want to stay in
the computer room. Although, there's been like no mouse
sightings in the computer room. So we took the mattress
and kinda brought it into the other bedroom ... we then
plugged up the space between the door and the carpet, and
then we all went to sleep, while the therapist slept on
the mattress. Ok. I guess it wasn't even "technically"
true then. We shared the same bed ... room.

It doesn't matter to me either way, since I don't look at
the therapist in any sort of romantic light. With Elle I
do. Actually, ever since I've realized I had a crush on
Elle those weeks ago, I've found that I can't seem to
focus on any other girl. That is ... I use to wonder what
it would be like to be in a relationship with certain
girls ... but now it's like ... I can't really find myself
attracted to another woman. Unless she's Elle, of course.

I suppose that's curious considering the certain
circumstances surrounding Elle. I mean, ... for instance,
she doesn't share feelings for me. Or I mean, ... at
least, that's what I think now. Secondly, I make it a rule
not to go after women who I've determined to not have an
interest in me. But for some reason, I can't seem to make
myself follow this policy in regards to Elle. In fact, ...
I believe my actions could be interpreted as an attempt to
pursue Elle.

I guess this is what it's like to be in love. To go after
someone, and try to get them to fall for you. ... I'm
reminded of a favourite saying I've heard ... Something
like, you can't make someone fall in love with you. You
can only stalk them till they get scared, and give in.

How curious ... I really really hope that's not what I'm
doing. But from the last conversations I've had with
Elle, ... I think that's not the case. I think she enjoys
talking with me as much as I do with her. ... I think she
might even have a thing for me. I'm not sure. Even though
I think I know Elle rather well, ... she's still a woman.
And women, ... are a little hard to figure out at times.

Well, some women are I mean. Not all.

I'm upset with someone actually. A woman, who I won't name
out of courtesy. I'll just say, that she offended me about
a few days back. I thought she was sorry, ... but in
talking with her some more, I realized she wasn't really
sorry. She just felt "bad". Which I consider to be nothing
at all. I don't think I plan on reinitiating contact with
her. I can't waste time with people like that. People who
play games, I mean. ... She thinks I have a thing for her.
I use to. But I don't anymore. I tried to tell her that,
but she doesn't really believe me. Which I don't mind. But
what I did mind is that even though I told her that, she
tried to hurt me anyway by telling me about this guy she
was with. It's not as if she was trying to just share her
life with me, but she "knows" that I "like" her ... yet
she tries to deliberately hurt me? That's not something a
friend would do.

I should clarify. So the other day, she was telling me
about this person who gave her some kind of hug. So I'm
curious of course, and I ask who. She doesn't tell me. I
think it's bad enough that I told her everything about me,
and that she doesn't take the effort to tell me
anything ... it's quite offensive. I think what's more is
that she indicates later that she knows I have feelings
for her, which I don't, and then she proceeds to tell me
anyway ... about some other guy?

It's like you know someone can't walk. Yet you ask them to
climb stairs? Or howabout when you know someone's blind,
and yet you ask them to retrieve an object from the
pantry? A pantry that's not their own?

I use to think she was just a little ... misguided. But I
think now she's more than misguided. She's not much of a
friend.

I've noticed an interesting trend in my life. It wasn't
made evident till recently. People whom I've always
considered close, are people who I've always had an
argument with ... and the relationship we have survives
through it. I don't think it will be the case with this
one.

I don't know. It's morning. Mornings are always the worst
times to get control of how I feel. It could very well be
that in 6 hours I'll be thinking alot differently.

In 6 hours, I'll be patiently waiting 19 minutes to leave
my last class of the day.

Last night I was telling this to the therapist, ... I mean
this other person with whom I think the relationship is
deteriorating. Normally, the therapist takes my side on
issues. But for the first time she didn't back me on this
one. She was sympathetic, but she thought maybe I was ...
being over-judgmental. I think that might mean something.
Like I'm not fair or anything. She asked me what I was
really mad at ... and if maybe I wasn't confusing the two.

She has a point. I only consider what she says because I
trust her motivations for saying things more than I trust
other people's motivation. I'll have to think about this
later. The situation is tenuous for me. Because the thing
is ... the therapist has nothing to gain in the argument.
So it would just be logical for her to be objective. It
wouldn't make any sense to be subjective. So ...
considering what she has to say, ... I just think it's
more valuable.

But if someone else suggested to me the same thing ... I
wouldn't believe what they said for a moment. Especially
if it were the other person. Just because I can't trust
what their motivation is for saying something. I mean if
the therapist says I'm being judgmental ... then I'm
probably being judgmental. If the other person whom I'm
having an argument with says I'm judgmental ... what, I'm
not going to listen to you. You don't even know why I'm
judgmental to you! If you had the faintest idea, we
wouldn't be having this argument right now. Which by the
way, she totally started.

Is that wrong to take that kind of stance on the issue?
Not in the least. It's called validation. If you're not
someone who has a right to speak objectively, then sorry
you can't speak at all. If you're someone who's proven to
be objective, by all means, share with us what you think.

I think I'm rambling about this too much. But anyway, like
I said ... the whole thing is tenuous. I have a hard time
controlling how I feel when I've been wronged. Is it the
right or wrong response? ... who can say? In this world,
right and wrong responses are defined by whatever
consequence they return. Some of these consequences are
varied ... for instance some are social in nature. If you
alienate people ... that's culturally-speaking, a wrong
response. It's even more complicated when you get into the
whole issue of perspective. If I alienate her, am I wrong?
Some people would say no. Some people would say yes. No,
because I should get rid of people who only aggravate me
and can't see past their own needs. Yes, because I should
have tried to work it out.

The dynamics are strange at best, and like I said before,
the determinant for this whole thing is really going to be
based on whether or not I can determine objectively who's
to blame ... and whether or not she says the wrong thing.

I guess it's all math from here.

Well there are alot more things I wan't talk about but I
should get breakfast now. I can hear the therapist
stirring in the other room ... so I think I'll end this
here and write again during my two hour gap.




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