X is my secret.
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2004-10-27 22:56:57 (UTC)

So, John. . . . .

Well, John

I met John at summer camp. Bible camp can do wonders one's
purity, especially if Sr. High or older. I can't believe
the times I had with those people, and am still having,
it's a hoot.

John is different though. Why, you may ask. Well it's
simple. . . because of the last few weeks of camp. Not
only the two weeks, but the time before that. The events
that led up to said two weeks.

I remember the first time I met John, of course if you
know me, it's no beg surprise, I remember stupid things
like that, but I can't remember the important things I
need to do in life.

But I remember. . . I remember the John Willis that tried
hard to make sure Erin and I were invited to almost
everything that the staffers did. The John that followed
us briskly to our rooms when we had cake. I remember
bowling, and him insisting we were on his team, although
in actuality it was Erin was on Jenny's team, I followed
her (I know it's crazy ME following Erin and not visa
versa) and John happened to be on Jenny's team.

I remember my "snuggle buddy" that I never snuggled with.
I remember telling him I'd be his best friend. . . .I
remember all of those first weeks.

I remember the overwhelming want for him, knowing I had no
real feelings for my boyfriend at the time. We were on a
break, and although I acted (I'm a great actress)
destressed, I didn't care. He could tell when he broke up
with me, and I didn't react. . . well I didn't react

Then John things began heating up. Snuggling innocently on
the couch of Grouse was in the past.

Grouse. . . . .let me just say something about Grouse.
This makes me very teary eyed, but I remember the exact
feeling I had when John and I were on the couch of Grouse,
and I turned my head, and his was there. There . . . was a
spark, I felt it. I don't know if it was a mutual spark,
but I liked it, it felt comfy, felt right . . . I wanted
to kiss him, very badly. I can remember the feeling like
it was yesterday, or an hour ago, or like it had just
happened and my heart is still racing.

I remember a little less detail, although still enough,
about when we first made physical contact (just hands
people!! Sickos) at the senior high movie night, the week
before the Homeless escapades. . . . I remember the "boys"
movie night, with just erin and I with all the two weekers
and other male staffers of sorts.

And I remember the kiss.

The kiss that started it all.

The one that made everything fall together, and fall apart
all at the same time. The event that made me stumble into
the DH, and swig a half a bottle of non-alcoholic wine,
and yet at the same time made me walk into Eagle beaming.
Leaving no doubt in Erin's mind what had just happened.

But as I said, it made it all fall apart too.

It began the second heart break of my life, maybe not a
heartbreak, I shouldn't be so hastey. But the second
hardship in love.

It started all the familiar feelings, my overwhelming
jealousy, my doubt, my highs and lows of self-esteem. My
ego boost with a side of self-conciousness.

The constant he likes me, he couldn't. I'm ugly, I'm fat.
I'm hot, I'm sweet. He's using me, he wouldn't. He's not
like this, people giving me advice who know him better,
people who know nothing of what I've been through, all
rolled up in one two week period. The high school
shinanegans, the middle school gossip. The having to keep
it a secret, but it getting out. The never having the
attention I wanted outside of camp, the paranoia, the fact
that I know this is all in my head and if I just let it go
then everyhting will just be fine. The wanting him so bad
it hurts, but at the same time thinking do I really want
him?! The confusion of I'm too young to he's too old, to
love is just a game, to love can't be felt by a person of
my age, to the just wanting it to all be over, but for
once . . . when it's over. . . .THAT IT JUST ALL GOES MY WAY.

I just don't understand. . . . I'm so confused. . . .
I . . . .

I have to take a break. . .