Ali Davis

One Day At a Time
2004-10-20 01:34:09 (UTC)

stuff to tell

Been gone for a while and i actually started another
blog.. so in order to calm the rumors of my death i'm gong
to update via the miiacle of copy and paste.... Enjoy!

Thursday, August 19, 2004
This is Alicia
I saw this online and it really fits me. I love it. Its

If I do not want what you want, please try not to tell me
that my want is wrong.

Or if I believe other than you, at least pause before you
correct my view.

Or if my emotion is less than yours, or more, given the
same circumstances, try not to ask me to feel more
strongly or weakly.

Or yet if I act, or fail to act, in the manner of your
design for action, let me be.

I do not, for the moment at least, ask you to understand
me. That will come only when you are willing to give up
changing me into a copy of you.

I may be your spouse, your parent, your offsping, your
friend, or your colleague. If you will allow me any of my
own wants, or emotions, or beliefs, or actions, then you
open yourself, so that some day these ways of mine might
not seem so wrong, and might finally appear to you as
right -- for me. To put up with me is the first step to
understanding me. Not that you embrace my ways as right
for you, but that you are no longer irritated or
disappointed with me for my seeming waywardness. And in
understanding me you might come to prize my differences
from you, and, far from seeking to change me, preserve and
even nurture those differences.
Thursday, August 26, 2004
Feel way too damn good...
Nickelback said everything that I'm feeling right now.
"Something's gotta go wrong 'cause I'm feelin' way too
damn good..."

Remember the girl I met a few weeks ago... Her name is
I couldn't wait to see her again so i got out of work and
went to see her this week. It was the best day of my life!
She walked up to me and my heart started pounding. I'm
surprised she didn't hear it. :)

We went to lunch. I couldn't stop looking at her. She's
tall and thin and she's just... so many things. I don't
know why she would EVER think to talk to me. But I'm glad
she did.

We went and picked up her son from daycare. He's the
cutest thing I've ever seen. He's sooooo smart. I was
kinda nervous about meeting him. I know that if he didn't
like me, I would never see her again, by my own choice.
Its hard to have that kind of conflict and I NEVER want to
be involved with someone that would choose me over their

We went to Walmart. As usual, Wally World was a great
experience. We bought toys and talked. It felt so...

I think that's one of the things that's freaking me out
about her. i've never felt like i belonged wiht someone.
But with Zena, I do.

I was sooo nervous. We went to the movies...

She touched my on the elbow... it was the slightest

I nearly fainted. I felt like i had been struck by
lightening and then dropped into the ocean. It took me a
while to get my bearings straight.

We held hands in the dark. She put her head on my
shoulder. All I could think was... I already love her. I
want to be here forever. I looked over at Holdan and i
thought to myself....
"These 2 could be my life, if they want me. I hope they
want me. "

My heart is so full that i feel like i could explode!

After the movie, I had to leave. I almost cried. It took
alot to hold it together. Especially after she kissed me!
That was all it took. I was done. From that moment on....
I'll forever be property of Zena. :)

On the way home, I couldn't help but think about how my
day was. I've never felt like this about anyone. I'm so in
love with her. And its so soon. I love this feeling and i
hope it never goes away. I feel so free and loved and just
plain great when she's around. Hearing Zena's voice is the
most beautiful sound in the world, second only to the
laughter of her and Holdan.
Monday, August 30, 2004
The best weekend EVER!
I went and saw my baby girl Zena this weekend. OMG! It was

After work and my photo shoot, i drove to see her. I
didn't get lost very much, which is a wonderful
surprise. :) She gave me directions to her house. I took
forever and it was making me quizzy knowing that i was so
close but still so far away from her. I finally found the
house and with every nerve on end, i turned into the
driveway and parked. She was already out and about and
walked over to me car when she saw me. There's something
about seeing her that makes my heart leap. I can't explain
it but i love it.

We went into town and got a room for the weekend so we
could have some time alone. We spent the nite in and
talked and held each other. I really did feel like i was
dreaming.... but she's really real. She's real and she's
mine, ya'll! I've never had anyone touch my heart, my
soul, my mind, and my body the way that she does. I never
want it to end. EVER.

Saturday we went and picked up Holdan, he spent Thursday
and Friday with his Aunt and Grandmother. When we woke up
Saturday morning, we called Zena's sister and decided on a
place to meet up. We met at Micheal's place of employment.
I was nervous and excited at the same time. Excited to see
Holdan, I missed him. Nervous to meet Micheal, i wanted to
make a good impression....

Saturday was great. It felt so right. I want to spend alot
of days like that. Me, Zena, Holdan, and eventually a
child of our own...

Saturday night we went back to Walmart, which seems to be
the hot spot on Monroe on a Saturday night. We met up with
Micheal again and some of their other friends were there.
They talked about me, i could feel it. It was all very
good talk, as I was informed later on. It feels really
great that everyone thinks I'm pretty enough to be with
her. I didn't think so. She's so beautiful. *sigh*
Anyway... we shopped a little and grabbed a bite to eat
and it was back to the room to chill for the night. I told
her that i wanted to marry her someday. I mean it. I'm
meant to be with her. I can't imagine my life without her.

I'm not sure if i can wait to put a ring on her
finger...i'll have to see what my money looks like here. I
just want to give her something that she can look at and
know that i'm in it for the long run. I'll keep thinking
about that one....


It was so hard to leave her today. It ripped me apart. I
don't know how I can do it... Just thinking about it makes
my heart ache. It aches the entire time that I'm without
her. I'm so pathetic. I hope its not too much for her. It
feels so great letting her know how much i love her and
how much she means to me.

*sigh* I'm gonna have to go see her again very soon.. The
distance kills me.
Thursday, September 02, 2004
A shadow of doubt
I don't know what got into me yesterday but I had a few
doubts about my relationship with Zena. Don't get me
wrong, I love her to death. I love her more deeply than
I've ever loved anyone. We were talking about me dancing
again and I asked her to trust me that I wouldn't do it
ever again. Her response surprised me and then it just
hurt... She said,"I'm trying." I'm sure i gave her a look
of some kind. She said,"I'm trying, give me that." I
assumed that i hadn't given her a reason not to trust me
comepletely, but i guess somewhere along the way I did
give her a reason.
That whole thing kinda burst my bubble, actually it DID
burst my bubble. I found myself no longer in that dreamy
state that she puts me in.... It was all so real and all
of a sudden, i doubted how we could do this. I'm so far
away, what if she gets lonely? And if something does
happen, will she tell me? How long will it take for her to
get sick of me? It hurts so much to leave her and to be
away from her, how long can I keep leaving her before she
gives up? Will she even want to hold on until I move
closer? As the time for me drew near, there was an
incident with her most recent ex girlfriend. What happens
if this girl gets drunk and Zena gets lonely? It mad me
angry that I was doubting everything. I took it out on her
for a little while, for that I apologized. It was very
wrong and I didn't mean to do it but that doesn't excuse
anything. I could see that it hurt her. It broke my heart.
She asked why i was being so mean... I told her that i was
having some doubts. That really hurt her. I was sorry that
I had said anything at all. I felt horrible that I even
was thinking those thoughts but I couldn't help it.
We talked about it and settled things to an extent. She
knows my insecurities now... that can only be a good
thing, right?
I got mad at her earlier that day too. She's a provider by
nature. She loves being able to do things for people and
take care of people. That's one of the things I love about
her. I just wish she would let me do things for her. It
made me mad that she wouldn't. In my time of need, she'll
be there for me. And its my priviledge to be there for her
in her time of need, but she won't let me. We'll have to
learn to compromise about that. Its gonna be hard but I'm
sure we can do it.
On the drive home, I made the decision that I love her too
much and I've waited for her too much to hold things back.

I guess I should address other aspects of my life....
I hate living at home b/c my mom won't freakin leave me
alone. The last thing I want right now is someone
pestering me about my hair and my weight and everything in
between. UGH!!! Just let me be for the love of God!
Work is killing me. I'm having to prepare for our
Charlotte summit. Its planned for October, so why am I
would be one thing if it was my fault, but its not. So i'm
playing catch up. And i hate playing catch up. Especially
when I don't really know where to start.
My brother Derrick decided that he couldn't handle being
my brother anymore so he disowned me.... don't really know
what else to say about that...

Other than that and the fact that I MISS MY BABY GIRL, i'm
doing okay.

I even think that I'm losing a few pounds... Don't worry
baby, my big ass isn't going anywhere. ;)
Monday, September 06, 2004
i think i'm gonna die.

This is all too much for me. Everything that could gone
wrong has gone wrong. Zena kissed some girl (or rather
some girl kissed her) Truthfully, i'm really hurt about
it. but it'll be okay. Some things were said.

I'm really scared. About us. the biggest insecurity i had
about us has been touched on and i don't know what to do.
Do i talk about it? and if i talk about it will i talk it
to death? I'm so confused.

I love her more than anything... What do I do? *fights the
urge to pull out hair*
Thursday, September 09, 2004
PMS is a bad thing
About a month ago, I decided to stop taking my birth
control (Depo shot) since it was making me crazy. I'm
actually kinda worried about what's happening with my
body. I'm making sure to document things and see my doctor
regualarly. I was supposed to go for my most recent dosage
of poison last week but i didn't go. I was worried about
how long it would take for my period to come back. Lets
just say, i'm not worried anymore...

PMS is hitting hard. I'm moody and sad and tired and all i
want is to be held. I'm restless at night. Its either too
hot or too cold all the time. Its basically impossible to
get comfortable. Zena's acting weird b/c of some bullshit
going on with her. And i hate that she can't hug me and
hold me at night. I'm going to see her this weekend and
I'm hoping that i'llbe over this whole PMS thing. I just
want to have a good time with her. We have alot to talk
about and it would really help if i could be rational and
not overly emotional about what she says (she can be kinda
harsh sometimes).

I've been having lunch with an old friend and it feels
good to be able to hang out and chat about good times and
how we've both grown up. Its amazing what time will do to
a person.

I'm having the hardest time focusing at work. It may be
b/c i'm so tired all the time. I'm getting things done its
just taking way longer than its supposed to. Its
frustrating me to no end. I realized today that i have to
plan for a county meeting at the end of the month. That
means write invitations, send them, collect the RSVP, and
then handouts and all sorts of other crap. All of this has
to happen in a matter of weeks. Not to mention the RSVP
for the Charlotte regional summit will be pouring in
around the same time. UGH! In addition to all of that, i
still have to work on stuff regarding my region including
but not limited to: program inventory, meetings, mailing
list for my regional summit, conference calls, etc. I'm
swamped and i have no idea where to start. Perhaps on
Monday, I'll take the time to re-organize my projects. If
i don't, i'm not sure how much work i'll be getting done.

I'm wanting to move RIGHT NOW. i'm already looking for
jobs and have a few very good prospects. If i could i
would just move and make my way once i got out there. But
i crave security far too much for that. I'm sure if i
really wanted to do it, my baby would help me out b/c she
knows i would have a job and everything set up in a month
or two. I love that she has that kind of respect for me.
She admires that i take care of myself and do what i can
for others that i care about. I don't know how many other
women she's dated that stick to that priniciple.

She wants me to move in with her when i move out there.
i'm gonna give it some thought but i think i want to have
my own space for a bit and then we can move into a place
of our own together. I don't want to move into someone
else's house, even if it is my girlfriend's. When the time
is right and we want to take it to the next level, i think
we should look for a place together. that way its truly
ours and it represents what WE are as both a couple and as
people. Some food for thought....

That's all for the moment...
Monday, September 13, 2004
change of pace
I think i need a whole new life. There are things in my
life right now that i need to give up but i can't for
mainly monetary reasons. But as soon as possible, i'll let
them go. I have to or i'll never be happy. There have been
quite a few things recently that have made me very happy
but i can't indulge in them and truly be happy on a
permanent basis... Soon that will change and I will be
happy with my life 90% of the time instead of 20% of the
time. *sigh*
Monday, September 20, 2004
i hate them.

posted by Ali @ 10:15 PM 0 comments

Yes, I love Incubus. As the October concert dates draw
near, I will be dying inside due to the fact that i cannot
attend. *a single tear*

And thus a line from the song that made me fall madly in
love with the band....
Album: Make Yourself
Song: Make Yourself (i do possess a burned copy of that
particular CD so the title may be wrong but bear with me.
I do plan on purchasing the actual CD)

"If you let them fuck you,
There will be no foreplay.
Rest assure they'll screw you complete
Till your ass is blue and gray."

It has been a good day at work. No boss!! *happy dance*
Not that I hate my boss or anything.. its just easier to
get things done knowing she's not around.

I actually have to have a serious conversation with my
baby girl about something that's been bothering me about
her and I. Unfortunately, her phone has been cut off so
i'm not sure if I will get to talk to her this evening.

Otherwise, all is well.


posted by Ali @ 3:24 PM
Thursday, September 23, 2004
I went to the Rose Garden and did some writing... Bear
with me.

"I've seen beautiful things in my life. Things so touching
you wish you could live that moment everyday. At this
moment, on this day... I'm not seing beauty, I'm living
it. It courses through my veins and sustains my life.
Words to describe this feeling come to me slowly and after
much thought. In some people's opinions, that's an
incredible feat for me. Surrounded by nature and only
hearing the modern world in the distance...I am alive. I
am alone. I am still loved. By my own admission, i've
never felt this when alone. Its like a warm blanket that
surrounds me at all times. It secures my place in the
world. While that place, my place, doesn't have a name, i
know where it is and I know what's waiting for me there..."

"Dozens of roses
Surrounded by vibrant green
Here, I am alive."

"Does absence make the heart grow fonder? I've seen the
heart grow colder, angrier, weary. I've even seen the
heart die, strangled by the absence of its kindred. My
experience tells me to run and hide away. Better to be
alone than to love and be forsaken the affection that I
need. But somehow, some way, my heart is overfilled with
love, adoration, and affection. Does my heart fear this
absence? Yes. But with every passing moment my affections
grow stronger, my passion runs deeper, and my heart aches
for a kiss, a gentle touch, a glace of the object of my
desire. Does absence make the heart grow fonder? For
others, time will tell. But for this heart, for this

Yesterday was very weird. I'll comment more on that later
on today. For now, it back to work.
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
Gee Whiz
Well the last time i wrote was on the anniversary of me
and Zena becoming a couple.... I was in a very happy
place. That changed rather quickly. Our anniversary became
a horrid downward spiral.

First things first...
I told her about going to the doctor regarding my
headaches. Turns out that there's something wrong. Sure
what it is but there's something happening. She was okay
about that- she told me to take it easy and everything
would be okay.

I asked her if she would like to have an open relationship
for these reasons:
1) I worry about how sad she gets when i'm not around.
2) She tends to get drunk when she gets really sad.
3) There are many many opportunites for comfort. I
understand that sometimes you need someone to hold you and
many times you'll settle for anything.

Well she freaked out! And understandably so. She thought i
was saying that i don't trust her which wasn't the case.
We argued about that and we weren't talking at all.
Neither of us were listening to each other. We hung up the
phone to talk later after we both cooled off.
I had plans to go hang out with Laura, which i was very
excited about. I didn't feel like being alone. Zena told
me to that she would call when she got off work. I waited
around for her call so we could talk. She didn't call. I
drove around Cary, looking for where Laura and her friends
were hanging out. I called Zena. Jen answered her phone.
And everything went down hill from there very very
quickly. I'll spare the details b/c many of them are
fuzzy. Only the painful ones stick out now.
I lost alot of trust and some of the things that were said
are still playing tricks on me. I'm not sleeping well at
all. I spend alot of time thinking about what happened and
whether I'm being stupid for sticking around. Time will
tell. I decided that I didn't want to talk to Zena about
all of this until we can be together. I have some very
serious questions and i need to see the look in her eye
when she answers. Not that I don't trust her word, I just
need that.
I did tell her that she had to give up Jen completely if
she wanted to continue a relationship with me. Her
response: Consider it done. I'm hoping that she'll wait to
really talk to her about things until I can be there. Not
that I'm checking up on her or anything. I would just feel
very vindicated by hearing her tell Jen that she wants
nothing to do with her outside of the car , the dog, and
being Holdan's teacher. I'll tell her that soon so that
she knows how I feel and we can talk about that.

On the work front:
CLAIRE SUCKS!!! She has put me so far behind on the work
I'm SUPPOSED to be doing. In the end, if something goes
wrong.. in some way it will be my fault and not hers.
Thats the real issue here. If she had pulled her weight,
things would be moving smoothly and everyone will look
good. But since she didn't, I'm sure I will be the one who
looks bad.

On the home front:
I can't wait to move out and away! That's all that needs
to be said there. I miss coming home to MY place and doing
EXACTLY what I want to do without having any questions to
answer. If i want to kick back with a drink and watch tv
and play with my dog on the carpet. I can do that. (that
is if I had my own place)

I hate that Corey is going to move back to Greenville.
He's a great friend and when he moves.. I'll never see him
as long as he's in that place. I just can't bring myself
to go back. I left a lot of great friends there but i'm
not strong enough to go back. I drove through there last
week and I was so anxious to get out. Once I was out, it
took me forever to get back to normal. Oh well, as time
passes, I'll get okay.

I'm going to celebrate Eric's birthday this weekend and
I'm very excited! He's gonna go to a poetry reading in
Greenville on friday so i'll be able to plan for his
party. I think Samantha is going to come down to celebrate
too but we'll see about that.

Next week is the summit in Charlotte!!! I can't wait till
its over!!! The only good thing is that I'll be able to
see my baby girl a few times in a week. If all goes well,
we'll only go a couple days without seeing each other.
I'll be out there tuesday and wednesday- so I should be
able to see her atleast once. Then i'll be back on friday!
I'm hoping we get some time alone so we can really talk. I
miss Holdan soooooo much. I can't wait to see him.

I have a few leads on some part time work out here b/c my
money just isn't going far enough. I can't wait till Zena
gets her place together b/c its really starting to add up
paying for our hotels and all. *sigh* Its worth it. I just
need to make more money. :)

That's all for now..

posted by Ali @ 8:35 PM 0 comments

I hate my life right now. I have nothing of my own and
nothing to show for my work. It sucks. There are so many
things i need for me but i can't get them for some reason
or another. An as far as Zena and I are concerned... I'm
gonna have one good talk about things and then i'm gonna
stop caring. that's what always happens. I care so much,
they screw me over and I stop caring so much. And about
that time, the fact that I'm such a great person finaly
kicks them in the ass, but by then its too fuckin late.
Sorry chief. You had something really great and you had to
fuck it up. Not my fault at all and your fault completely.
The whole Jen situation has been keeping me up at nite but
that's gonna stop here shortly. I'll talk to Jen at some
point too. Then it'll all be settled. No I'm not a pscho
that's gonna go kick her ass. I'm simply going to tell her
that she's acting like a child. And if Zena wants to be
with her... she'll end up chosing her at some point. Until
then, her best bet would be to back off. Take some time to
be the bigger person. And that's all i have to say to her.
Oh and i'd like to remind her that i didn't start any shit
between her and myself, and i would like to keep it that
way. I would like her to keep my name or any reference to
me off her lips. It wasn't my fault they broke up so she
needs to make sure she respects me. As we speak, Zena is
drinking with someone. Who knows and who cares. The fact
is that she's drinking... AGAIN. She spent the greater
part of last week in some sort of intoxicated stupor, I'd
think she would want to take a break. I hate it, b/c its
dangerous. And her track record hasn't been that good when
it comes to drinking and our relationship. I mean after
last weekend, anybody wold be weary of their loved one
drinking again. That's another thing we'll cover when we
have the big talk. Hopefully, she listens and is open and
loving to me b/c i'm gonna be in a very vulnerable place
when we talk. If she freaks out and gets angry, I'll fall
to pieces and then I'll never talk to her about anything.
I'll learn that its not safe. Thats a lesson that I've had
a bit of a taste of already, so I'll try to choose my
words carefully.

I need her right now. I need her to be overly concerned
about me. I want her to love on me and I want to be her
first priority. I really really need it. But i can't have
it b/c she's hanging out with whoever it is and people
that are right there are more important than people on the
(and i'll settle for anyone) TO TELL ME THAT THEY JUST
I'VE TOUCHED THEM. is that a bad thing? sometimes i cry at
night b/c of that. no one ever tells me. no one. it hurts.
i try to let people know how special they are everyday, or
as often as i can. but why doesn't anyone feel the need to
do that for me? maybe i'm just not that great.

one person used to shower me with his emotions. he loved
me. he still does and he still showers me with how
wonderful i am. he never stopped doing that, even when i
was at my lowest. i miss that. i miss him. he's such a
great person to have in my life. i don't get to see him as
often as i like (he lives in that hell hole called

sometimes i just wonder if i'm going about this whole
relationship thing the right way. Am i giving WAY too much
at the start? I think i should pull back on this one. i'm
really scared of how far in i am already. its worth a try.
what's worse that can happen?

i'm so tired. emotionally. physically. but its not like i
go to bed and actually sleep. not anymore. between work
and zena and money problems and home life... i have
nothing left. and no one to turn to. everyone is way to
busy to be concerned with me unless they have a problem.
i'm a great counselor, and i can comfort just about
anyone. who comforts me, who makes time for me? eric does
but he doesn't listen. he simply waits for me to finish
what i'm saying and then we talk about him some more.
granted he is a great person and he has come through for
me alot of times but i usually in BIG BAD trouble. i think
i'm gonna take a weekend sometime and go hang out on my
own in some other place. new people love me. after they
get to know me, that's when they stop caring. i wonder

posted by Ali @ 7:46 PM 0 comments
26lstkywd=google mai&lstlogdt=20041011&cntp%

posted by Ali @ 7:46 PM 0 comments

batting 1000
lets hope that 3 is a charm. this will be the third time i
attempt to post something meaningful.

life sucks and then you die.

with my luck this will be the one that sticks.

posted by Ali @ 7:46 PM 0 comments

a perfect end to a perfect day
i wrote a really long introspective entry and it just
disappeared. so instead of being expressive, i'll simply
say this...

life sucks and i'm debating whether i'm going about it the
right way. most of the people i count on for support are
simple too busy to talk to me in my time of need. and even
when we do talk- they have so very much going on in their
lives that they can't stop talking about it long enough to
notice the weakness in my voice. oh well, its funny how
everyone will do a complete 180 when i simply stop caring
about them and being simply to "punk rock" (real world
reference) for them and their tiny minds.

time will fucking tell, bitches. time will fucking tell.

posted by Ali @ 7:46 PM
Thursday, September 30, 2004
She's still in love with her.
Thursday, October 07, 2004
I'm single again and i'm not sad about it. Considering
Zena broke up with me via text message, i'm doing alright.
As is the case with situations like these, i still have
questions and i'm starting to come to terms with the fact
that i may never get answers to those. So far, so good.

I've decided that Eric is all in all a really great guy.
We've been through alot and we appreciate that we are
still around for each other. He's kinda going thru an odd
time, as am i. His brother may or may not go back to Iraq.
Its killing Eric b/c he doesn't want him to go but that's
where he wants to be. There is definitely a fear that his
brother may not come home this time. i make sure i'm
available for Eric. i'm really the only person he can
count on.

I helped celebrate his birthday last week... It was great!
I had such a good time. I'll save the details but it was
an AWESOME time. He said it was the one of the best
birhtdays he's had in a while. That made me very happy.

THE SUMMIT IS OVER!!!! *sung to the tune of Ding Dong the
Witch is Dead*
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Been a while... I know.
My life has been a whirlwind since my last entry...

Got thru the Charlotte summit-- very happy about that
Worked on Lights On! Afterschool Event-- it was in the
ghetto and i'm more than excited to be over with that. Not
that i have any thing against the ghetto or anything... It
started to get dark and i started feeling very unsafe. So
I'm glad it ended when it did.
Tomorrow is my first county meeting-- excited about it
but ready for it to be over as well.
Next week, another county meeting-- same feelings as
stated above.

Mom had her surgery-- FINALLY!!! *happy dance* Its harsh
but her going thru menopause and all is testing me beyond
my wildest dreams. Nothing can seem to be enough or
correct in her eyes. Her hindsight is more than 20/20 and
i'm tired of hearing about all the mistakes i've made and
all the ways i'm gonna fail if i don't do things as she
says. I'm hoping that her new lease on life will allow her
to live her life and me to live mine.

Nothing here to note. I'm sick and pathetic so this may
not be the right time to assess my social life.... Well,
maybe a little. Here goes.
My friend Laura writes about everybody and their mother in
her journal. She writes about how she misses all these
people but she never mentions me. EVER. Even when we do
hang out. I thought about bringing that to her attention
b/c it really does hurt. I'll ponder whether i should say
something. In the end, i probably will.

I talked to Rory yesterday and she said something that is
really sticking with me. "go to a new place and reinvent
yourself." And that i will do. Its actually what's keeping
me going lately. Where in the world shall I go??? *ponders*

See I'm not dead. Just a little busier than usual... :)