daccn

I am not a clerk
2004-10-10 03:44:30 (UTC)

current state : anticipated state

So, things are generally working out well at school this
year.

First of all, I managed to ditch my Artificial
Intelligence group in favour of a more collaborative one.
The last straw was when a group meeting was scheduled for
last Saturday afternoon and neither one of them bothered
to show up. I waited for them for half an hour, wondering
if I had somehow gotten the place wrong and, if that was
the case, why one of them hadn't phoned me. After giving
up I headed for the lab to get some work done. A few hours
later, Andrew found me there, explaining that he had
overslept after staying up all night playing video games.
The other guy, apparently, "just forgot".

A friendly female acquaintance in the class (who becomes
more interesting by the day - I could even see her
becoming a real friend) offered me a slot in her group,
and after some covert dealings and an appeal to the
professor, I bid goodbye to protien network simulators.

My old group was annoyed - or at least Andrew was annoyed -
when I informed them of this news, grumbling that I
had "fucked [them] over". And, perhaps I did, since
they're left to find a new member on short notice. But, I
couldn't be less remorseful or more relieved.

What bothered me the most, I think, is that right from the
very beginning he just assumed that he would be the one
giving orders, and I would be the one to follow. Every
single important decision, right down to who would be
responsible for what, was made without my even being
present. I'd be informed of it the following day, and was
expected to simply accept unquestioningly. I don't think
it even occured to him that I might not be happy with that
setup, that I might have interests of my own beyond being
a drudge worker on his personal project. It was made very
clear to me that he thought I had nothing to contribute -
and not bothering to show up for the only group meeting
was simply another gesture to that affect.

My new group is going to attempt to write a bot that can
play Nethack. All my time spent playing ADOM should serve
me well here. Interestingly, one of my new group members
is the older brother of "fine specimen" Alan, but that
hasn't caused any awkwardness so far.

I've also just entered the Internship program, and am
welcoming the possibility of spending a year away from
this city, working a "real job".

Many of the jobs are located out east. I hate to admit it,
but as I apply for different positions I am motivated in
part by the possibility of living closer to Peter.

This is proving to be a point of confusion for me right
now. I suppose I'd always fancied myself the independent
woman, not the type to sacrifice everything for a man -
but I'm finding myself trying to work out some sort of
scheme in my head that will allow me to be nearer to him.

There are lots of things I "know", rationally: I'm only
21, Peter isn't the only guy in the world, my career is
more important, I can't make assumptions about his
feelings, relationships are usually temporary, people
break up all the time and a two-month-old long-distance
relationship isn't the best basis for an important
decision.

I know all these things, but I also know the following:

I am happy in his presence and miss him in his absence.

I feel as though I can trust him, even with the parts of
myself that I'm not proud of.

I have the kinds of conversations I like, with him.

He always knows how to make me feel special and desirable,
and tells me that his feelings for me are growing stronger
all the time.

He wants to hear about my day, and comforts me when I am
feeling stressed or sad.

I couldn't have asked for a better person with whom to
explore the new and scary world of the physical. All the
things that made me nervous before were made comfortable
and enticing, and I was treated at every moment with
respect and concern for my feelings.

In my studies and career planning I've tried to make sense
of my desires, trying to figure out just what it is that
actually matters to me, what will actually make me happy.
And, what my irrational emotions are telling me right now
is this: "he matters".

And, right now, he does matter. I'm perhaps a little
resentful of myself - I miss the hard-headed person I used
to be, who had such disdain for the dating world and
reverence for the life of solitude, and was absolutely
certain that a relationship would never get in the way of
the rest of her life.

It turns out I'm just like any other girl, a hopeless
romantic at heart who is all too ready to lose her head
and build castles in the sky.

Now that I've written all these things, of course, perhaps
it will end with Peter much sooner than I think it will.
Perhaps he'll return from visiting his family this
Thanksgiving to tell me that, well, we really need to be
realistic about our situation, we've been doomed right
from the get-go and it's probably best to end it now.

If that happens, I'll be sad and I'll mope for a few
weeks, and think in weak moments that I will never again
meet another person like him. I won't regret meeting him,
though, and I'll certainly get over it after a little
while and return to my old modes of operation.

But I really don't want to have to do that. My weaker self
is currently wondering if strength is overrated.




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