Halow Effect

The Nile's Edge
2004-10-08 17:34:52 (UTC)

You Figure You Have A Handle On Things

when i started mulling with the idea that i could slowly
pay off a car living at home and working, i got so excited
whenever i'd start to look for a car on
www.autotrader.com ...and i'd choose one that i'd buy,
given the chance. i got so jittery inside and
anxious...almost to the point where that if i didn't go
out and get a Durango THAT DAY, i was going to explode.
then i realized my car'll last another two years no sweat.

later, after the car bug was going away, Jessie hesitantly
asked me about being her room mate in an apartment
somewhere near universal and of COURSE i was all over it.
and that was more than 6 months ago and THAT bug has yet
to go away. cos i know how much BOTH of us want to get out
of our homes. our sanity is at stake. i don't know about
her being when she spends a few days out of the house, but
i was much happier in Tampa living by myself at
school....dad wasn't there every evening to bitch to
himself about how he has no money and he wasn't there to
generally talk me down to a nub whenever i'd mention (in
passing) that i wanted to start saving for an
apartment. "well, ash, money isn't easy to keep. it takes
me months to regain the cushion i loose paying your
tuition"

it depresses me still. cos now it's 'my fault' for being
in school. first, at USF, it was the "cost of a
University"...and he hinted at how much easier it'd be for
him to pay for a Community College. so i happened to
transfer (out of my own interest for film/theater)...and
still, he bitches. so, i give up.

he said over the summer that he'd pay for my gas for
school, but i was on my own for work and friends (again,
i'm not sure how we were supposed to divide that) so now
that it's been more than a month and there have been
credit card bills about gas, he asks me for my check to
pay for it. and i bring it up (finally, b/c i never
did...cos he's my dad. i was scared to). but anyway, i
asked about his word to pay for school's gas....and he
shuts up. then comes back with, "i said i'd help". now, i
think mom, grandma and a couple friends can vouch for me
here. cos i remember telling them when i recall him
saying. i remember b/c it was good news for me, wanting to
save for an apartment and all.

oh, money makes me so depressed. i say depressed in the
most literal of terms...i get D E P R E S S E D. i sit in
my room and i stew in the fact that i feel so f***ing
GUILTY for taking all my dad's money. it never occurs to
me that paying for college is pretty much the last thing
he's supposed to do for me as a parent (besides my wedding
but let's be real here....like someone's gunner marry me.
AND if they did, he'd just make me feel bad about every
cent he spent there too).

but anyway...i have cramps. enjoy! =)

i hope i can talk to marnie at work about my hours. i've
decided to open up friday and change my limit from 15
hours a week to 25. sounds like a big jump, but i limited
myself to 15 hours and i actually only get 10. so figure
that if i say 25, ill get around 20 and that's IDEAL. and
even if i get 25 one week....more $$$ for me. and that's
never bad.




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