Silent Eyes

Lost in this place
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2004-10-08 12:00:44 (UTC)

Drunken Ramble

Intoxicated? Possibly
Sleep? No way...
I feel bad, I walked in and felt like i ruined a moment.
A beautiful moment. He said no not at all. But her vibe
was so sweet i knew he liked her. He ignored me for her:)
That means something he regreted after the situation.
Anyways I feel so confused so locked down so scared. Will
he accept me? Can i ever show him how i feel? Can I show
him that i hurt but still love him? Is it fair? I fear
he will hurt me again. I am hesitant to show him this,
well this other side. This side locked away but so
desprate for attention. Is it though? At times i find
that i am only writing to myself and there is no better
comfort. Until last night i jad forgotten thos feeling
that had errupted. I forgot he really didnt care, that he
played me, that he insisted on hurting me. I realized las
t night i hadnt let that go. The way he treated me is
similar to now which makes me question alot. Does he care
how I feel? Welli just wish he had this heart that could
and would want to hear me. I feel as though he thinks i
may not think to his standards but at the same time i know
this cant be true but its how i feel. I want him to touch
me and make me safe again...not just tell me in the
hurtful way for the billionth time to get over it because
i cant...well i can but if i do it on my own you may not
be there in the end... why dont you see that? Why dont
you see that i actually wanted to hate you..but loved you
to much. I suffered so you could be happy do you even
know or care? why do i feel so redundant? I have no
idea. I sat tonight at a party dtunk yes so bad...ready
to pass out but i love him so much i got up n
left...opportunities and temptatation surrounded me but i
didnt care because you are what i cared about...and
where did you go? Im beginning to think you have another
girl in mind? One so when the guys smoked
out i said who would he like and this image appeared was
she me? tai chi this girls rythem eas so
amazing...was it me though nah not yet...i want the best
for you boy and it hurts to see how much the best for you
just may not be me...:( Can this really be true? I dont
want to be I want you to just love me and say how dumb i
was for being so emotional and such a girl...will you
please? maybe...till then i must go to bed...for i am and beers later...drunken rambles