Codesmith

Life, Or Something Like It
2004-10-08 11:27:31 (UTC)

Uncertain Feelings

It's 1008, Friday. 634am. It just started lighting up now.
The start of a new day ... it's a bit cold out, but I
guess that's just cause ... we're not being hit by
radiation coming from a gigantic ball of burning hydrogen,
9 million miles away. I miss the warmth, but not the
cancer giving radiation. If that makes sense.

So Elle and I were talking last night, and I guess you
could say it was kinda ... quiet. She was doing her work
though, which I thought was nice. Nice for one reason.
That is, that she came online ... for some reason ...
while she was doing her work. She could have been doing
her schoolwork while offline, but she chose to came online
anyway. Which I give her points for. I didn't really say
much to her since I didn't want to disturb her train of
thought. I still wish she would have said a few more
things, however.

I tried to help a bit with her schoolwork. Although, I
really wasn't much help actually. We talked about music
and other things. It was kind of a slow night actually. I
sometimes get the feeling, that there's something that
kind of bothers her. But she hides it. That or she's
trying to work past it.

So I guess I'll try to recall what we were talking about.
She was lamenting that she didn't have any new music to
listen to, ... so I asked if she would be on tomorrow so
that I could send her music. She said she had a game to go
to, ... which I already knew because that's how it is
every Friday. I'm not real sure why I asked ... I guess to
see what she would say maybe.

So after awhile she doesn't say anything and I'm
like, ... "What are you up to?" to which she responds that
she's downloading music. I kinda felt like I didn't really
have a point being there. Like, I couldn't really help
with her classwork, and I couldn't give her any new music.
So I was feeling a bit ... pointless.

I guess it was at this point that I realized, I still have
deep feelings for her. I'm not surprised. I'm not
surprised because it's rare for me to get attatched to
someone in the first place. They'd literally have to be
really someone special or someone I've known for awhile.
Elle is both.

But just like it takes me awhile to get romantically
attatched to someone, it takes me an equal or greater
amount of time to stop being attatched to someone. It
doesn't quite work both ways with me. It's either an all
or nothing with me.

I guess that's a bad thing.

I've been listening to the same song for the past day now.
It's a french song. I would write out the words, but I
can't make out the words ... since it's in French. All I
know is that it sounds nice to the ears. I've always had a
soft spot for french girls.

I'm still confused with this Elle thing. I'm not real sure
what to do ... or how she feels. I mean, ... why does she
come online when she has like a ton of work to do? Well,
of course it could be for other people too. I hadn't
thought of that.

I feel utterly depressed. For many reasons.

I was kinda hoping for an email from Elle this morning,
but of course I didn't get any. Oh well.

I guess it's just kind of out of character for me to get
so attatched to someone who isn't attatched to me. I wish
I could find someone who was as ... fiercely attatched as
I was. So far, I haven't. So, ... I guess that's why I've
spent so long ... doing this. Suppression.

It was just easier than say, experiencing every second of
being conscious of when something goes wrong. Being a
Cancer doesn't help much either.

I kind of feel like my old self right now.

... but I'm not sure if that's a good thing.

... I'm still missing her terribly ...




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