Too Much to Say
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2004-10-06 19:50:51 (UTC)

i've never been depressed before

i got sick early in the semester. than i got heart-sick.
i will take physical pain over emotional pain any day. but
teachers don't care unless you have a doctor's note. then,
in the midst of my depression, i got some disease on my
tonsil. it's disgusting. the ghetto clinic told me i
didn't have strep...but i think i need a second opinion,
considering my whole tonsil is white now. like i said,

so here i am: ill, depressed, lonely, homesick, unmotivated
and hating every moment spent at OCU. however, God knows
that it is in these times that i lean on him the most, and
perhaps that's why he's letting the pain go on. i am
slowly being filled with his joy while i'm stuck here, but
that doesn't erase the pain. you can be joyful and still
hurting. i know God will work everything out, i just hate
waiting for it to happen.

with all my heart, i DON'T want to be here. the other day
i read in the purpose driven life: "it is usually
meaningless work, not overwork, that wears us down, saps
our strength, and robs our joy." that simple statement
sums up everything i feel about being here. i've found my
purpose, and NOTHING here is preparing me for that. i am
praying that if God wants me to stay at OCU, that he helps
me discover a purpose here for the rest of the year.

i just want to sleep all the time. i've lost my apetite,
perhaps from my nasty tonsil illness. i just want to be
able to eat an entire value meal again.

Lord, i need you today. i need you to be my motivation.
cause i won't make it with out you.