Codesmith

Life, Or Something Like It
2004-10-03 07:59:52 (UTC)

Desire For The Immaterial

It's 1003, Sunday. 319am. I'm exhausted. The meaning of
nightfall, reveals to me that the color of dreams, is but
the darkest color of night. I suppose, you could say it's
purple ... a haze of chocolate perhaps, mixed with the
bluest of colors found in the depths of the ocean, ... at
a level where no light can go. That's how it seems now, or
at least to my weary eyes.

What is it that waxes deep inside the recess of his soul,
that would possess him to crave the immaterial, that which
only exists through thought and not through any craft that
man possesses?

I'm exhausted. The therapist wanted to play on the pc,
so ... I obliged. I probably shouldn't have joined in with
her as I was a bit behind in my work. But, I just had to
get my mind off of someone. I did pretty well I think.
Pretty well getting my mind off her, I mean.

I'm drinking this most gawd awful ... thing. It's suppose
to be diet soda, but ... to be honest, it kinda tastes
like Robitussin. As if someone had decided to make
Robitussin into some kind of soda pop. I wish it were
alcohol, so that I could fall asleep without being so
utterly depressed.

Is it weird, that I have such an obsession with her? I was
thinking as I was playing with the therapist, that maybe I
should just like stop talking to Elle. Maybe that would
work. Like, a month or something ... I doubt I could ever
stick to that though. Nor am I really serious either.

I don't know. We'll see what tomorrow brings. I guess the
best thing I need right now is just to fall asleep. The
therapist is asleep right now, so I don't think there's
any chance of getting any cuddling. But even if she was
awake ... I don't really know if I'd want to. Not that I
don't think she's attractive or anything. Nor is it cause
I feel any sort of committment to be faithful to Elle.
Well, maybe a little bit. But, mostly the reason why I
don't think I'd rather cuddle is because I think I rely a
bit too much on the therapist. Which I suppose is kinda
ironic considering that most of my attatchment is to Elle.

But I feel guilty with the therapist. To snuggle with her
and ... then what? To just use her for snuggling? I don't
really see how that's a very noble thing to do. Although,
then again. She gets a bit grumpy when I don't want cuddle
with her when we're alone ...

There is a certain kind of therapy to be had when laying
close to someone who you know cares about you very much. I
don't quite know how to describe it.

If it were somehow possible to be in the same place that
Elle is at, and to have her be my therapist ... I think
the quality of treatment would be raised a hundred fold.
That is, ... my attatchment to her would be like some
healing solvent spread over a wound ... to hold her in my
arms, and look into her eyes, to kiss her lips, ... and to
whisper sweet nothings into her ear ... nibbling gently,
and running my fingers through her hair.

It kinda makes me wonder if I should "stay the course" and
just try to get her attatched to me. I think when it comes
to something serious like this ... like how I genuinely
feel for someone ... I don't think the last thing I want
is for them to be somehow coerced or tricked into falling
for me. I would want for it to be ... love at first sight.
Although, Online ... I'm not real sure how that works. Is
that weird of me to say? Perhaps unrealistic? I guess I'm
working under the assumption that love possesses no
diametric qualities within the respective manifold
characteristics of people. That is, ... you're not going
to get some genuine story about how some guy did something
clever and turned a girl from disliking him immensely to a
girl who couldn't imagine being with anyone else.

I guess.

At times though, I sometimes wonder if Elle just looks to
me for diversion. Like ... entertainment. It's hard to
admit that sort of possibility, especially when you think
you know nearly everything there is to know about humans.
But experience has shown that to underestimate the
possibilities that you discount as being unlikely, tend to
rear disastrous results later. Is she just using me? I
don't know. I don't think so. It's hard to say though,
because I'm not her. I don't know what she thinks or feel.
I suppose it's also possible that she performs actions
which might support the affirmative, yet in her mind she
feels as if she is supporting the negative of my thesis.

So which is it? It can't be both. I suppose this is where
empathy comes in, and the significance of life choices
versus the significance of external perception. What you
do on one hand, maybe be perceived as another thing to
someone.

I wish she did love me though. I wish she would say it.

I think I'm going to stop obsessing about her. To stop
hitting on her. By now, she would have reciprocated if she
really secretly felt that way to me. Although, ... I guess
on some level she does reciprocate. Like that time she
just said that thing to make me jealous. I mean that's a
compliment ... and I guess a flirtatious remark of sorts.

Maybe I'm just reading into things too much, as she
suggests.

But regardless ... I should probably just stop. I mean, I
don't want to freak her out or anything. Besides, I don't
do well when it's just me doing the flirting.

I'm too tired to think or write anymore. So I'll end this
here. I think I'm skipping the cuddle too.




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