Codesmith

Life, Or Something Like It
2004-09-28 11:22:49 (UTC)

Need More Sleep ...

It's 0928, Tuesday. 625am. It's starting to brighten out
now.

My sleep was cut short. In a manner of speaking. My dreams
sort of blended with reality. At times, I would find
myself dreaming, and then as I transitioned to another
scene in my dream ... I would find that I was looking at
the inide of the bedroom. Or other times as I turned on my
side, I would be seeing something else instead of the
walls of the bedroom.

This morning I feel as if I went to bed and woke up with
the same mindset. I mean, normally your mind gets a chance
to filter things out while you sleep. My mind didn't get
to do that, or if it did then I guess there isn't much to
filter.

I keep re-reading the conversation I had with Elle last
night. I guess there is another way of looking at things
that happened last night. It's possible that she just was
tired. Maybe she was hurt that I didn't tell her that I
had romantic feelings towards her. Ya ... right.

I think I've scared her off. I was wrong to think that she
had any sort of feelings for me other than friendship. Now
I've lost someone close to me. I think it hurts,
because ... looking back the past month or so, it seemed
as if we were getting closer and closer. I thought maybe
that this was a bit of a sign that she had a thing for me.
But now, if that's not the case, then why did she come
online to see me so much? The alternative answer is an
answer I'd rather not explore right now.

Although, to think anything could have worked out in a
manner that wuold have ended up with us being in a
relationship, is something that I was foolish to even
think could happen. There are just certain things that
make the relationship near impossible. For one, she lives
too far away. Secondly, she doesn't go to school anywhere
near me. Thirdly, ... we never really talked about meeting
each other or anything. Mel lives far away and Mel was at
school at a far away place too. But the difference between
Elle and Mel, was that with Mel we talked about seeing
each other. Almost everytime we talked to each other.

I'm debating whether or not to show up today. To meet her
online I mean. On the one hand, I'm thinking I might not
just to see if she notices and writes me an email saying
she misses me. On the other hand, I would like to show up
online ... so that if she does come on, I think I'd just
tell her how I feel.

Tell her how I feel ... I don't think that's going to do
alot of good right now.

I can't seem to get it out of my mind. Such an abrupt
departure ... She didn't say, "seeya" like she normally
does. She just said, "so I'll talk to you later". I
guess, ... they are kinda the same thing. Maybe I should
be flattered since the latter one takes more effort to
say.

It occurred to me last night, why the feeling "heart
broken" is the way it is. Because, when you hurt really
bad, it feels as if the area near your heart is being
rended in two. Strange that it just occurred to me now
after being alive for so long. It has to be the worst
feeling, as nothing you do can stop it. It just takes over
now and then, and starts ripping.

I felt it all last night. As I slept, as I woke up in the
middle of the night, and as I woke up ... and to be
honest, I still feel it now as I sit here.

I still feel so cold. I have a blanket over me, but even
that can only do so much. I feel so tired, and I just want
to sleep some more. But I feel that I don't deserve that
right now.

The therapist knows something is up. But I haven't really
let on what it is. She wanted me to hang out a bit with
her while the girls watched something on t.v. I think it
was about a plane, ... and another plane leading the first
plane somewhere. I don't know. I just wanted to sleep, but
they wouldn't let me go. So I just kinda sat there with
them ... for about 15 minutes. It was a long 15 minutes. I
say long, because it felt like an eternity just trying to
hide what I was feeling right then from them. Lisa is not
that perceptive, but the therapist is. I think she thinks
that there might be something wrong. But I'm not entirely
sure.

To be honest, I don't really deserve her either right now.
I've relied way to much on her, than is probably normal
for someone like me. Or maybe not, ... for someone like me.

Re-reading the conversation log from last night of Elle
and I ... I told her that the comments I made were mostly
serious. That is, I was mostly being serious about the
flirtatious comments and the overly friendly acts. From
then on she doesn't really say much.

Not until where she says she has to go.

Ya ... I think I will end this here.




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