Beauty Within

Fuck Me Pretty
2004-09-28 02:23:38 (UTC)

A Heart Shaped Pain

From Kendall's Diary

--

She longed for a way out. Life was a meaningless cycle of
grades, gossip, and lies. There was no longer a point of
interest to keep her going in this sick game she played
with herself every day. No reason to continue the facade
that she put on to show she was okay. Her friends and
family believed her. People see what they want to see.
This worked to her advantage, because she knew all too
well how ugly and hurtful she was when she got depressed.
Not to others, to herself. her thoughts bruised like
stones being hurled at her very core. She was a nothing
and she deserved nothing. To break down and cry would be
such a welcome relief. She had been holding back tears all
day and wanted to be alone. Slamming the bedroom door, she
turned up her stereo to the point where it finally drowned
her thoughts and she could simply sit and listen to the
voice blaring through the speakers. "You're just another
pretty face....in a room full of whores. You don't mean
much." The lyrics seemed to intensify the feelings she had
been supressing all day. Her eyes swelled with tears but
she refused to cry. She didn't deserve to. The wall of
emotions she had penned herself in with was now
threatening to collapse around her. She blinked hard,
pushing back the urge to cry and scream and hit her fists
against the walls. She was too ugly, too insignificant to
deserve something as satisfying as that. "I ate a banana
this morning. And had 7 chips at lunch. I am so fat and
disgusting. Who could ever think I could be beautiful?" No
one. No one could say that she was pretty. Her hair was
always a mess and her eyes were always dark from lack of
sleep or nutrition. The song still screamed at her from
the speakers "You made a mess of yourself, you made a mess
of everything, youre a mess, a fucking mess." And it was
true. Her grades were abysmal, her best friends had given
up trying to sustain a relationship with her, even her
parents didnt seem to notice it. Looking down, she saw
something. A thick safety pin. "Someone could hurt
themselves on this", she said softly. Twirling the pin in
her fingertips, she let the full implications of that sink
in. she traced the point along the inside of her wrist.
Her skin tingled. "Only a little cut", she whispered. She
traced a heart into the soft skin. A red line appeared in
the shape of a heart appeared where the point had pressed.
She traced the heart again, harder this time. It stung,
and she relaxed a little as she savored the sensation.
When it began to subside, she retraced it again, harder
still. Beads of blood appeared in little crimson pinpricks
where the skin had broken. the pain was easing now. "No",
she thought. "It isnt enough yet" She pressed the needle
point to her wrist again, following the pattern of this
now familliar shape. Time seemed to freeze as she
continued to press the point to her wrist. When it began
again, she had blood running rown her arm and a crimson
heart was impressed into her wrist with her blood flowing
from it. She knew there was no going back now. She knew
this was not the end. Something had begun. Something that
seemed to be unstoppable. She brushed off the feeling and
got a thick bracelet out of her backpack. For now, she
would be okay for everyone to see. When the scar faded,
maybe even she would believe it. Who knew.She was such a
sweet girl, or so they all thought. Well let them think
that. She knew the truth about herself and nothing that
anyone said would ever change it.




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