The Apple

Fresh Words
Ad 2:
2004-09-28 00:46:14 (UTC)

9.27.04 The Fourth Person

Even though I don't write in high spirits right now
(2/10), I have chosen this time to write about the invented
Fourth Person tense. I and several of my comerads take
credits as the founder (PATENT PENDING!), and as of now
I've chosen to give you a vocabulary lesson that will,
well, be detrimental to any type of sophisticated speech.
The Fourth Person will never be accepted into common
English, but it makes for extremely fun and redundant
conversations with friends.
The Fourth Person was born when a friend of mine
(Chris Watkins)started common usage of the ever-catchy
word "cat". As I'm sure you're aware, "cat" is already a
word, a simplistic one at that. The thing that makes Chris'
use of the word so special is that "cat", which is indeed a
noun, was used as a pronoun. I, her, it, him, she, etc.
Now, reader, you probably ask yourself how an
obvious noun like "cat" could be considered a pronoun in
any sense. Well, I wont lie to you: the Fourth Person is
easy to use and difficult to understand, and one needs to
know at least some fundamentals to the English language
before he can derive a complete understanding of its
What makes the Fourth Person different from the First
Person (I), the second person, (you), and the third person
(they/he/she), is that it successfully incorporates ALL of
these into one easy to understand word, usually as simple
one, like "cat". Self-centered people are constantly
starting sentences off with "I"; clingy people start
sentences off with "you"; those who desire their voice
being omnicient may use "they". There are, in my opinion,
too many pronouns, and one can interpret things about one's
character that were perhaps not offered through their use
of a pronoun.
The Fourth Person works, simply enough, to fix this
err in human communication. It merges ALL of the pronouns
into one single-syllable word. Whereas one would say "I
went to the movies yestersay" using regular pronounns, in
the fourth person, one should state "Cats went to the
movies yesterday." Notice the comparison between regular
pronouns and the Fourth Person:

Reg. Pronoun:"I went to the movies yesterday"
Fourth Person: "Cats went to the movies yesterday"

Reg. Pronoun: "You went to the movies yesterday"
Fourth Person: "Cats went to the movies yesterday"

Reg. Pronoun: "We/He/she/it went to the movies yesterday"
Fourth Person: "Cats went to the movies yesterday"

Reg. Pronoun: "They went to the movies yesterday"
Fourth Person: "Cats went to the movies yesterday"

Notice, first, how "cats" can replace every pronoun.
Obviously, this makes for unneccesarily redundant
conversations. Take note of this sample conversation with
Full Use of the fourth person

John: What's up?
Jack: Not much man, cats hit up the theatre yesterday
John: Yea cats hit up that theatre all the time.
Jack: Yep, and after that, cats went to starbucks with
John: Cats were at that Starbucks too! What time were cats
Jack: Cats were there around 11:00. Cats didn't see you man.
John: Man, that's cause cats were out that place by 10.
Jack: Dude, cats' fes stayed up there till like 2
John: Yea cat, thats why I'm callin, cats saw cats' fes up
Jack: All I know is cats better stay up off of cats' fes.
Cats get mad when cats get on cats' fes.
John: Cats understand that.

This conversation between Jack and John can be
interpreted in several different ways, and that is the
beauty of the Fourth Person. John understands Jack, and
Jack understands John, but a third character, let's say
Joe, is completely out of the loop. Let's see what happens
when Joe enters the conversation.
Jack: What's up Joe?
Joe: Not much man, I'm taking it easy.
Jack: Yeah, cats can feel that.
Joe: What?
John: Cats said 'cats can feel that'
Joe: What are you talking about?!
Jack: Cats need to take it easy, why are cats yellin'?
Joe: Cats are not yelling! I don't even see any cats!
John: Cats are out. Cats need to take it easy, though.

Notice how the fact that all pronouns became 'cats' for
John and Jack completely confused Joe. This enables a
security between friends that is not found with the use of
regular pronouns.
Another large advantage to using the Fourth Person
over regular pronouns is the confidence it gives you when
sharing information that you would normally be insecure
about. Saying "I failed a test" is much more difficult
than "Cats failed a test." The Fourth Person provides one
with the needed security in essential communication.
One must also remember that the Fourth Person is not
limited to 'cat'. It is, however, important to remember
that any Fourth Person pronoun should be limited to one
syllable. These are common fourth person words: