BChicka08

GotMilk?
2004-09-26 23:22:02 (UTC)

14. End of Summer

Saturday, August 21, 2004
11:05pm

Dear Diary,

This summer has been a blast. I cant believe its over.
God, its just another one of those summers that I'll lock
away deep inside. Once again, the warm summer air was
filled with emotion... every single day. So much has
happened to me this past summer. I cant say I changed but
I can say I feel happier in general. I mean, I still have
my bad days... Im kinda having one right now but I think
that its just because Ive gotta go back to school on
Monday and Im SO not ready for it. I hate school. I really
do. I have never hated something so much before. To me, I
feel as if school is ripping me away from life.. from
reality. If I could just be stress free during the school
year things would probably be fine but things are NEVER
fine and they just seem to get worse when you are dealing
with grades, classes, teachers... things of that sort.

And with school approaching, Ive been thinking alot. And I
just cant help but ask myself why I have to be who I am,
where I am, and what I am. Its like everything from last
winter is coming back... I hate thinking about myself when
it comes to that but it is a part of me, obvisously...
that is coming back to haunt me once more. I havent cut
myself at all this summer. But I did last week. (There's
always a but isnt there?) For the first time since June. I
felt so proud knowing that I could overcome my pains. And
the second I did it, I felt even better. I was
like "Finally! I needed this." Then the next morning I
woke up, and I realized what I had done the night before.
And I felt terrible. But when I looked at my sore, scabbed
over wrist... I felt as though, I deserved it. Sometimes I
feel like Im stuck inside this body. Stuck inside myself.
Im afraid to show people the real me. But I havent felt
like that since last winter. And when I told myself I
deserved the pain and the scars, I felt like I did in
December. I was stuck inside myself. I was just myself,
nothing better. It was only a moments thought but it
crossed my mind. And now I know that this year will be
another tough struggle if I ever want to get over this bad
habit. I broke yet another promise to myself.

I just wish I knew someone who felt the same way. Im happy
but so confused and afraid. I need someone but there is no
one. Why cant I get over this???




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