Rem's Poetry Corner
2004-09-26 02:46:58 (UTC)

clear as day

I remember it clear as day. Driving the forty minutes
after the 3 hour ride back home, to visit you at school.
You went to the school I had dreamed about for
months...the school where I so easily pictured
myself "coming of age"...but I was going to my school
instead, away from you. I remember that still. It was a
year ago...I drove back to see you. I couldn't stay away.
I missed you that much. I was so excited just thinking
about seeing you. I couldn't believe that you sneaked out
of the concert to come find me, and then helped me sneak
back in with you. I was so excited to see you, I could
have tackled you. I remember going to see that movie
afterwards with you...the whole time I was sitting there,
it was all I could do not to simply turn my head to the
right just so and kiss that beautiful mouth. But you never
did a thing. It was pure torture. We went to your friends'
room then and watched a Beatles movie. Finally, you walked
me--blocks away--to my car and we stood there talking
until 3:30 a.m. Too bad I wasn't drunk; maybe I could have
kissed you and seen what would have happened. If you
reacted badly, I could say I had no idea why I did that, I
mean I was drunk for crying out loud--! If only...Then you
took me to that Christmas concert on your campus. You
asked me, you planned it, you bought the tickets, you
picked me up. I was on Cloud 78574. That's not even a
registered cloud number, mind you--that's how excited I
was. I went shopping that day and got a new outfit. I
spent forever getting ready. Again, the inner struggle
ensued over how NOT to turn my head and just kiss you.
After that, we made cookies with your friends. They
treated us like we were a couple. They were so much fun, I
wished I went there even more. You drove me home, again,
at 3:30 a.m. Then that night happened when ----- left,
and we had a going-away party. I don't know why, but -----
wouldn't let me get away with not telling you that very
night how I felt. So...I did. And seemed like
you were going to try to let me down gently, but kissed me. You kissed me some more. You
said "don't be scared, it's okay," but I was. I was so
scared, because I didn't know what was going on. Here I
was, in the arms of the one I'd wanted for so long, and he
seemed so unsure. And things seemed so surreal, like this
should not be I went home after we decided
we would attempt to have a dating relationship. When I
said goodbye to you, you looked so ambivalent that I
didn't know what to do. I probably should have
said, "Forget it," and walked away, but I didn't. I wanted
you to be stronger than you could be, and I wanted you to
see what everyone else already saw...but you didn't. You
couldn't. So the next day, you called, saying you couldn't
do this and we shouldn't speak anymore. After the crying
stage, and the upset stage, and the angry stage, and the
acceptance stage, we could finally talk again, but it was
strange. You'd ask me about my dating life, and I'd either
make things up or avoid the question altogether. I
couldn't talk about that with you. You started dating her
within the month...and you'd never even mentioned her to
me. You'd told me about the prior crush, with whom nothing
happened, but not about her. Now you've changed so
much...the faith of your youth has failed you, you say,
and you've taken up drinking. You are trying to drown your
ghosts, but they simply float to the top when you do that,
dear. That doesn't help anyone. Meanwhile, how am I doing?
I'm trying to keep it going, that faith in someone out
there who will make me feel totally alive and excited to
see him, and who will be able to see me the way I see him.
I'm trying to keep the faith alive through the
discouraging dating scene, and the lack thereof. I'm
trying to remember that when I turn someone down whom I
don't click with, I'm doing it for the sake of both our
futures...because he, and I, will both fall madly in love
with someone who will make our souls whole. I'm scared
that won't happen, and that I'll be stuck settling for
someone who is merely safe, not my someone special. I'm
scared that the way I felt will never be felt again. I'm
scared that getting hurt messed me up enough that the kind
of guy I hope to find will not be interested anymore. I'm
just scared. I'm scared that someone does love me right
now and I'm going to hurt him, because I don't feel that
way about him. Maybe I need to let him see the real me. I
love him. I do love him. But I love him as a brother, and
I don't want to hurt him. I want him to be happy. I want
him to have a fulfilling sex life. I want him to find a
wife who makes him unbelievably happy. I want him to be a
good father. I just don't see me in that picture.
Basically, I don't want to have sex until I am married,
because I don't want sex to be the reason a guy stays with
me. I want my guy to love me enough to respect that. No
one wants to be the one left alone the next morning crying
onto the pillowcase because the guy left them.

Over and out.