Codesmith

Life, Or Something Like It
2004-09-21 10:46:47 (UTC)

Slightly Depressing And Promising Yesterday

It's 0921, Tuesday. 615am. It's dark out, however, ... I'm
familiar enough with the night to know when it's about to
slip away into void of the light.

So, yesterday ... Elle and I didn't really talk all that
much. She had a few things to do and prepare for. I can
understand and appreciate her sense of priority for
schoolwork. That doesn't mean though, that I missed her
like crazy. I lost my mind a bit or gone a bit mad, when
we were talking. I think I told her something like, "I
need you". I think I meant it in a half sort of joking
sort of way, like ... I meant that I was going to miss her
terribly. It was suppose to be half hearted jesting.

Uh, well right after I said it, ... I thought to
myself, "Did I just say that?" ... Well, I think Elle must
have thought I was kidding or something, because she
didn't say anything to that. Sometimes, I kinda wish she
would. At least, then I'd have an idea of what I was up
against. Maybe it's just cause Elle's a Leo and all. That
is, maybe she prefers it if I were to like, ... keep
talking about her or to put her in the spotlight alot more
often.

We were discussing about how she always says time in her
time, and not my time. That is, when she gives me the time
for something it's in her time zone and not mine. Although
we've known each other for literally years, ... I still
somehow manage to get the one hour time difference wrong.
Not because I can't remember what time zone she is in,
it's just that I just never try to assume that she's using
either mine or her time zone.

And to that I was relating an anecdote about how I was to
meet one of my ex-girlfriends at the mall. How it turned
out that when my ex said, "our place" she was really
referring to residential complex and not like ... "our"
place as in the place that she and I would commonly
frequent and hang out.

I think at the end of that sort of inane story, I said
something like, "I missed some nookie, but I learned a
valuable lesson." To which Elle responded, "oh my gawd."
I had to ask her why she said that, and she just brushed
it aside. Maybe that's the indicator I'm looking for in
Elle? Was that said out of jealousy? Out of a bit of anger
at me mentioning nookie with another chick?

I might be reading into a bit too much. I tend to do that
alot in things. To look for meaning in obscure and rather
insignificant events. But then ... I'm not really sure why
she'd be shocked. I mean, over the years I've told her
abbout me and other women. I'd always mention them in a
sort of macho, bravado sort of way. She'd just roll her
eyes, or something to that effect. But now ... it's like
she was a bit shocked ... Maybe that does mean something?
I sometimes get the feeling she doesn't have any sort of
attatchment to me. Well, attatchment in the ... romantic
sense. Actually ... I just remembered something. She
mentioned to me that she was going to be doing a tutoring
thing. I think I teashed her a bit about that and said
that her male students were going to have a huge crush on
her. I think for a moment she didn't say anything ... and
then she came back with a roster, and said that they were
all female. Was she trying to calm me down or something? I
like to pretend, but I have to be a bit cautious not to
pretend too much. It's nice to be in a sort of fantasy
land and fantasize about how people feel about you.
But ... I have to be objective about the matter and
disallow my unconscious/conscious desires from taking
control of the way I perceive things. Although ... I guess
I can stay in fantasy land just a little bit more ... I
only have two classes today, afterall ...

I woke up at 530am, ... I think I'm doing something right.
I mean, before I fell asleep I just felt the most
absolutely warm sleepy feeling. It was such a nice,
relaxing feeling. A feeling that I read I would start to
feel once I started eating right and the extra muscles
were starting to develop. Uh, well ... I've not been
really doing weight training for like a week, so I'm not
real sure. But then again, a week isn't that long. It's a
nice rest period for allowing of muscle growth.

I hit the weights this morning, ... I think around 545am,
and I ended around 615am, or whenever I started this
journal. I know that's about 30 minutes or so, and I feel
like I could still do more reps and more sets. I feel as
if I'm not doing enough really to work my arms more.

However, I have put my faith into this program called MAX-
OT. I believe I might have mentioned it before. Basically,
the strategy is that muscle growth only occurs when the
body is forced to develop new muscle. Which I already knew
about prior. Anyway, ... the whole idea is to only be able
to pick a weight that's heavy enough so that you can lift
in 4 - 6 reps, with 4 - 6 sets. I think on the last few
sets, you might lift to positive failure, ... although
that might be wrong because I think I read that lifting to
positive failure is a really bad thing. Although, ... some
people will lift to positive failure to stimulate muscle
growth. I'm a bit unconvinced on the matter. If you lift
to positive failure that would stimulate catabolic
metabolism and start eating muscle as opposed to building
it. But then again, MAX-OT would in theory do the same
thing ... I guess the saving grace for MAX-OT is that
you're only doing 4 - 6 sets and in like 30 minutes as
opposed to an hour or an hour and a half. Catabolic
breakdown shouldn't be possible in 30 minutes, ... you
couldn't have used up that much energy. Unless you
know ... you're trying to escape a pack of cannibals in
New York city. The cannibals composing nothing but people
who weight lift and Olympic long distance runners.

I guess though, that the weight lifters wouldn't be much
of a problem. The huge body mass is going to really
prevent them from going a long distance. That's what being
bulky does. Not to mention if you're taller than 5'11"-6',
every inch past makes your body inefficient for running.

Well anyway, no matter how many times I read the file, I
can't help but feel guilty. The weird thing is that the
strategy says I'd probably feel guilty for my weight
training being so short. I guess I'll have to see in about
6-7 weeks if it works out.

I think yesterday had to be slightly depressing, because I
didn't really get to talk with Elle all that much. On the
other hand, slightly promising because I'm able to recall
all the bits of things she's done that "sort of" might
indicate how she feels for me. That is, in the way I
wanted all along.

Well, I guess that's enough for the morning. I'm going to
make some breakfast.




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