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2004-09-21 05:06:43 (UTC)

never thought it'd be this hard

HEY. Finally. New entry. Didn't write for a while since
things were going pretty well. Really expecting things to
improve now. I'm in college. UCI. 3 days in, and I've
realized a few things. Socializing.... wasn't, and still
isn't enjoyable to me. I've really tried to enjoy it, but
the whole interaction leaves me cold. However, this has
given me some defense. I've been telling myself "If this
gives you no pleasure, then it cannot give you any pain."
So that little phrase has pushed me into being more
outgoing. But I still fail. There's some force, some
barrier I can't go beyond. So once again, I'm stuck.

I thought I'd go loose at college! Fuck the consequences!
Plenty of fish in the sea! This first impression will be
my best! I can finally remove my old image of silent and

But no. It's all collapsed. I'm reverting back. Heh heh,
it's kinda nostalgic. Ah, how I wish I could sleep. Relax,
and detach myself from this world. I enjoy the thought. Of
course I would never follow through with that, the thought
does keep me sane.

Am I happy? What makes me happy? Heh heh, yeah, yes...
yesterday, some salsa dance here at college. This was just
after I made my melancholy realization that socializing
doesn't make me happy. But after I heard about the dance,
I fought with myself, and said "FUCK IT! WHAT DO I HAVE TO
LOSE? LAST HURRAH!" and left. So, loudspeaker says pair
up, girl meets boy, we dance, I half-ass David DeAngelo
charm, screw up dancing, we both laugh, I could tell she
got a little fed up (and who wouldn't?) and politely left.
That made me happy. I was happy. Walking back to my dorm,
I tried memorizing the feeling. It was so unreal. Simply
blissful. Subconscious no where in sight, merely calm
logic, a shadow of what my subconscious used to be.
Slowly, it wore off. But I felt something, that was real.
A touch of Mercury, perhaps? Haha, yes, that concept is
still prevalent. But its calmer. Everything is calmer.
Writing helps. I enjoy these moments.

I think too much. I think that's obvious. I overanalyze
everything, second guess myself, and that halts a lot of
my progress. I need to relax. I can't even enjoy watching
sports with my friends. It's all jumbled up. I guess
substance abuse might prove something. But I'll avoid that
for as long as possible.

Rather, I'll read. I've been reading a lot, and its as
helpful as writing, almost. Well, I guess that's my next
stop. Reading and writing, my medication. Let's see if it
cures me. Let's hope. Hope, haha, classic Japanese bipolar

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