cutter06

A New Day
2004-09-15 18:54:05 (UTC)

I miss writing

The other day I went back through this diary and read every
entry. Looking back I realized a lot about myself and the
situation I was in. Although times were hard I woulnd't
have had them any other way. I still struggle sometimes but
thats okay. What would life be like if you didn't have to
struggle sometimes lol. As much as I miss the feeling
cutting gave me I don't miss the stress it brought with it.
For me it complicated things even more because instead of
concentrating on myself I started to concentrate on cutting
and only cutting. But now thats changed and I'm glad..
But..
There's still days when I cry uncontrollably,
There's still days when I don't eat,
And sometimes I feel like I don't matter to anyone.
At the moment I think I am having trouble defining who I am
as a person. Because for so long cutting defined me, I was
a cutter and thats all I had to say and then people made
their own assumptions. But now I'm not a cutter so whats
left? I'm trying to do a lot of soul searching to find who
I am inside and what I believe in. There's a lot of things
that I have been doing lately that aren't me. Like drugs, I
don't like em but still I do em. Not often enough to be
considered a habit or anything but still.
I miss everyone at home but its starting to get easier being
away from the poeple I care about. The less I call the
easier it is because I'm not constantly thinking about home.
I try to distract myself with people here so that I'm not
dwelling on what I'm missing out on. I'm supposed to call
my mom today to make sure that I can still borrow the car
on Saturday. I hope she did'n't change her mind because
then I can't go see Josh. Hmm... lets not think about that.

WEll I think I wrote enough and there's really not much I
can interpret in my head and write n e more because like I
said I have a lot of soul searching to do.




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