enter my train of thought
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2004-09-15 01:36:19 (UTC)

Miss me?

Wow, I seriously haven't written since April 15. How sad
is that. Anyway, honestly I wouldn't be writing now if I
didn't have two important things that I would like to get
of my chest.

First of all...

I've never really thought about it before, but it's almost
a huge let-down when you realize you are finally,
irrevocably, totally over someone who you've liked for the
better part of two years. I mean, I know, I know,
little "crushes" are juvenile and immature and generally
don't mean anything in high school, but they are a part of
life. And they add an element to life that I think you
can't get anywhere else, until you actually fall in love
one day and everything falls into place (because of
course, that's how it's going to be for me!).

So I'll admit it, for those of you who couldn't tell (you
must have been blind), I liked Mike G. from the first time
I had class with him in 10th grade until today, the 6th
day of 12th grade. Well, to be honest with myself, I think
it's been fading out over the summer and even maybe
starting to diminish in the spring of junior year. But
when I first met him, I was obsessed. I didn't have that
many really good guy friends, and I could tell that Mike
was going to become one of them. It started out as most of
my relationships with guys do - weeks and weeks of
teasing, pretending to hate each other, but in reality
enjoying each other's company immensely (in a purely
platonical way). And gradually the teasing and the joking
and the insults faded away, and what was left was a
friendship where I could talk to him about almost anything
and he could talk to be about almost anything and neither
one of us would change our opinion of the other. And it
got to the point where I would go out of my way to see him
in the halls, or send him a message online, or say hi to
him in the parking lot, and I think a lot of that was just
the novelty of the kind of friend he was. And gradually,
or maybe it happened instantly and I just didn't recognize
it, I started liking him for real, in a relationship kind
of way, but I didn't know what to do about it. I went over
to his house a few times, even met his mom, listened to a
tape of his band, made promises to meet each other at our
lockers in the morning since they were close by. And I
think maybe he realized something was different before I
ever did, some new element to our relationship that I
didn't necessarily want. He started to back off, he
wouldn't meet me at my locker, he didn't invite me over
anymore. But he was still a good friend. He wasn't a jerk,
didn't abandon me completely, just backed off a little
bit. And at first I was let down, and then I decided I was
ok with it, because a friendship with him was better than
nothing at all, although I still couldn't force myself to
stop liking him. And for a time things were great - I went
to see him at work when I was on my break from work, and
it was never awkward, he didn't shun me even in front of
his co-workers. A few times he even called me late at
night and we would talk for an hour about nothing in

I can't pinpoint the exact moment in time when things
started to change again. I still liked him, but I was
perfectly content with our platonic relationship because I
enjoyed him so much. He stopped getting online as much,
and he never called me anymore. Over the summer between
10th and 11th grade, he still called me sometimes and we
were friends. But then when we went back to school in
September, for our Junior year, he had dropped IB and we
no longer had any classes together. It was almost like he
didn't feel like putting forth the effort to make a
friendship work when we hardly ever saw each other. I
think he was also going through a difficult time himself
the first half of that year, because he didn't have many
good friends outside of IB and no longer felt any
enthusiasm for coming to school at all. And I tried to be
a good friend during that time, I tried to talk to him and
ask him what was wrong. SOmetimes he would tell me, and
others he would just say he was having a bad time and it
wasn't just me he was ignoring, but everyone. So I
accepted that, but I made sure that I still said hi to him
all the time, so he wouldn't think I was giving up on him.
And if there were times when I got annoyed and got sick of
being the only one trying to keep up our friendship, (and
at this point I still liked him), they didn't last very
long because he would have one good day and he would be my
best friend all over again. And then one day he snapped
out of it. I don't know when it was, but it happened, and
we discovered that if we both waited the right amount of
time, we would see each other in the hallway when I was
leaving chorus and he was going to music theory. And our
friendship was back on- he would make fun of his teachers,
and ask me about my day, and give me hugs when I had to
deal with two Hatcher tests in a row. Our friendship was
better, but it never went back to the way it was before,
where I visited him at work, or he called me, etc. And for
the most part I accepted this too, because I was realizing
myself how hard it is to keep up a friendship when 1)
you're the only one trying and 2) you hardly ever see each

So at this point I tell myself, ok Anna, there's no need
to like him anymore, now we're just at the point where
we'll say hi to each other and have conversations every
now and then. But of course, there's no accounting for
when you're going to stop liking someone, and I couldn't
force myself to do it, not when he was still occassionally
so friendly. But by the end of last year, junior year, he
went back into another funk. I'm not even sure what this
one was about, because there never really came a point
where he came out of it and apologized. I only really
talked to him once over the summer, when he was in Mexico
and was just willing to talk to anyone from back home. And
so I looked forward to the beginning of this school year,
hoping that I would see him more often this year and our
friendship could go back at least to the way it was at the
beginning of junior year, if not to the way it was over
the summer that year. And I do see him more at school this
year, he even has one of my lunches, and I talked to him
one day and he told me he would tell me all about his trip
to Mexico and show me pictures, etc. And of course, I
believed him. It's not that he lied, exactly, but I should
have known that he wouldn't put any effort into renewing
our friendship by spending time together like that.

So to come to my point. Today we had a SPanish Honor
Society meeting, a club to which Mike and I both belong. I
was excited about the chance to talk to him, since that
hasn't happened very often lately. But when he came in the
room, I tried numerous times to make eye contact and say
hey old buddy, but he seemed to be avoiding that. I don't
know if he really was, or if it was just that he didn't
particularly care to be all buddy buddy with me in front
of all those other people, which would suck. Regardless of
whether that's the cause, I think I finally mentally gave
up today. I probably gave up a few months ago emotionally,
because I knew what the deal was, but you know how it is,
you don't want to except that a good friendship is over.
But it just hit me today, sitting in that classroom, that
it's no longer worth the effort. He isn't worth the
effort. I'm not saying he's a complete and total jerk for
spurning me like that, not at all. But I don't have the
time or the energy to spend this year trying to hold
together a relationship that he obviously doesn't even
want in the first place. Because isn't that a logical
assumption? That if he isn't willing to put any time or
effort into being friends with me, then he obviously can't
want it as badly as I do?

To finish what I started out saying, I think realizing you
are totally over someone leaves an empty spot inside of
you. I kind of felt listless and aimless this afternoon
for awhile, while my mind went over and over what went
wrong and we we just weren't meant to be friends any
longer. And I know that not having those funny
conversations with him, and all the other stuff I loved
about being friends with him, is gonna cause something to
be missing from my life this year, even after I do come to
terms with it. But isn't that how it is with good friends?
There's something special about each and every one that
can't be replaced by anyone else, no matter how good of a
friend they are. And that's how I feel about Mike. Sad
that we won't have any more moments to share, regretful
that the essence that is Mike will be absent from my life
this year.

But after all, it's only high school.

The other thing I wanted to say isn't nearly as deep and
thoughtful, or nearly as painful for me.

Well, I take that back. I just noticed a connection
between what I'm about to talk about and what I've just
finished saying. So let me start at the beginning.

My 10th grade year (that was a good year, wasn't it?) my
history teacher was the ever-popular Mr. Melillo. Now I
won't bore you with all the little details like I just
finished doing with Mike, but to sum up, I became great
friends with this lovable 60 year old man. We had the same
kind of relationship - insulting, teasing, joking around,
but still I knew I could talk to him about anything. In
10th grade, I was obsessed with history class, because
obviously that is when I got to see him most. But I would
also stay after school and chat with him, or purposely
walk by his classroom just for the chance to say hi. And
in this case, there was no communication over the summer
that year, but thats ok. So in my junior year, I was all
excited about going back to school, because even though I
wouldn't have Mr. M as a teacher, I would see him all the
time. And see him all the time I did. Pam and I could be
found in his classroom more often than not, and I couldn't
walk down the hall without seeing him and getting a high
five or an insult. And it was good. And then we went to
Italy with him. And it was even better. Our relationship
grew stronger, because now we had a chance to observe each
other outside of the school environment. And I started to
realize just how big of a whole there would be in my life
when he retired and moved after my junior year. Because
not only was he a good teacher, but he was a mentor, a
companion, and most importantly, a friend.

And there we have the link between Mike and Mr. Melillo
(who would have thought there could be one?) Because when
Mr. Melillo left, and I didn't really realize until this
school year started again, his absence was impossible to
ignore. I can't walk by his classroom without expecting
him to be there. I miss him, in a way that I could never
put in words. And that may sound weird. Maybe Pam is the
only one who truly understands, since she shared that
special relationship with him also. But it's hard. I have
to concentrate to make myself stop thinking about it. And
I know it's impossible, but I've been trying to find a
substitute for him... and I can tell you already it isn't
going to work. There is no subsitute for Mr. Melillo. He's
invaluable. He's irreplaceable.

Anyway, once again I've digressed from my point. I emailed
Mr. M last Friday because I could no longer stand not
having any contact with him (and because I wanted to make
sure that he was still alive after all those hurricanes).
And when I didn't get a reply over the weekend, I was
inexplicably let down, and assumed that he had moved on
and wasn't mourning the loss of us as we were of him. But
then today when I checked my email after dinner, there it
was. And there is no way to describe what I felt after
hearing from him. His email wasn't even that profound; but
it was amusing, and wonderful, and he admitted he missed
us, and it so like Mr. M, that it completely made my day.

And that is the other thing I'd like to say. That when you
thought you've lost something as wonderful as that
friendship was, and you're mourning it, that the
unexpected hello from a friend is that much sweeter. And
maybe that's what I have to keep in mind with Mike, after
all. That I should appreaciate the little things, and
maybe one day he'll stop and say hi, and it will make my
day. Because after all, what is life without the little