DayDream Believer
2004-09-13 09:49:09 (UTC)

Once chance

So I had a weekend where I could do everything and Tommy
would never find out, meet Chris, see if S* is stil here...
and I didnt do anything.
Tommy`s gone sick, it started last night and by this
morning he was puking in the sink! So he`s staying home, I
had some things to do in the city and have a lecture soon,
but I will hurry back home and nurse him. He is finish
troghing up by now, that Good, I cant take that stuff,
anything else byt wommit and I`ll survive it.

But back to the topic, how ofthen does Tommy go away for a
weekend? never, so how ofthen do I have a chance to do
things I sometimes think about doing? And stil, I had the
chance and all I did was eating Italian icecream and
watching sex and the sity, while I could been drinking
cosmopolitan and dancing.
Have I become borring?
Hmm, its hard to say, Tommys cousin invited me to this
party for her sister, who is going to get marrid soon. I
asked what we would be up to, and she said it was a suprise
party for the bride, fist we would start with a dildo-party
and then. I didnt get the rest I was so shocked by the idea
that Tommy`s family is draging me to a dildoparty!is`nt
that ironic?
Me at a dildoparty,I stil remember when the school nurse
took colurd condoms in mine and Kellys face cause she
wanted us to smell the good smell. We`re not that picky, we
did pay attention the whole class, about birth controll,
penises and periods, but we did not want it in our face!
Everyone else played with the condoms and me and Kelly
just sat there and did what we always did, started talking
about something else, designer clothes, make up. music, it
drove all our teacher crazy that we we`re such good
friends, so they tryed to split us up and place us with
someone else. But of course me and Kelly and a language of
our own, so we just keept talking and no one understod a

I really did pay attention, but I did not wanted to touch
any of the norse stuff, now I`ve become the norse, my
friends always come to me when they think they`re pregnat,
or are wondering about other girl stuff. Kelly on the other
hand, she could need a second lecture, Good knows how many
regret pills and pregnency tests shes been taking. And
everythime she promise me she will start on the pill. Girls
ned to take care of them self when it comes to bith
controll, we cant trust gyus. (or faith like Kelly does)
I stil have problems accepting Im going to a dildoparty,
I`ll better take a few drinks before it starts.

Yesterday I told Tommy I loved him, LOVED. He smiled, I
knew he would not say it back, I have not told him that in
a while, its a bit embarresing, since I dont know what he
think I expect of him. Luckely we we`re saved by the phone
and by the time I got off we had other things to talk about.
I know it sounds mega naiv, but I stil cant belive thet he
dont LOVE me. Yesterday he said that if I could only see
inside him how manny feelings he have for me, he has
problems expressing them. It have always been like that,
and of coruse its hurting me.
I cant remember last time he said that he loved me, but I
know I said it to him when he called Satturday night, and
he said me to, back to me. That whats usaly happend, once
in a while I say "i love you" and he says "me to" not "i
love you to"
Im not thinking about these things everyday, but maybe I
should. Its been such a long time since he LOVED me, and
maybe Im to nicem making it to easy on him?
Should I go back looking for appartments? Cause OI dont
want to anymore. But I want my self respect back, and I
knoe that even though we`re taking the easy way out, and it
feels best, it might not be the best.
By the end of the night I never know here I got Tommy, he
might freak out and then Im all alone. Knowing that you
live and give your live, your hope, your time, your monny
on someone that dont feel for you what you feel for them,
or dont have the guts to tell you, it makes it easyer for
you to het him and other kick you down. I accsept things
now that I never thoght I woud be accespting, and Im not
sure if this is life or a bad thing.
But things are really going great right now, and I dont
want to mess things up by starting these conversations agen.
I need mor etime to think.