Codesmith

Life, Or Something Like It
2004-09-11 18:57:04 (UTC)

Thank Goodness It's Saturday

It's 0911, Saturday. 137pm. The weather is a bit
cloudy, ... although not by much.

Last night I fell asleep for the longest time. It must
have been 14 hours or so. I was so exhausted ...

At the moment, I'm just kind of doing nothing. The
therapist and I are trying to start on our project, but we
haven't actually gotten around to it yet. As usual. The
therapist is reading some kind of magazine ... I think
it's Woman's day? Or something.

I was talking with Elle a bit earlier before the therapist
came by. Elle and I were just kinda chit-chatting about
stuff. But she had to log off as she was feeling rather
tired. I tried flirting with her a bit, but that didn't go
over too well. Not in the sense that she didn't appreciate
it, but then again I'm not sure if she did or didn't. I
think she said she was just really tired. I was a bit hurt
that she didn't really reciprocate or anything. I think
that might be a hint that she's not into me the same way
I'm into her.

Yesterday ... was a bit awkward. She did remember that I
was going to tell her something. In fact, she had the
history of the conversation and pointed it out to me after
I feinged forgetfulness.

I didn't tell her explicitly that I was in love with her
or that I had a crush on her or anything of the sort. I
just told her that I really enjoy being around her and
that I really liked her. At the moment, I don't think it
would be rather wise to tell her anything more than that.
Because in truth, I'm not sure myself of how I feel.
Secondly, ... I'm not sure if it's the best time to play
that card yet.

She remembered though ... she must have been thinking
about it. The very fact that she remembered it and even
brought it up to me when we were talking ... I'm not sure
what that means. She could just be very inquisitive about
things like that. It doesn't necessarily mean that she
shares the same feelings for me, but just can't get around
to telling me. It could also mean that she does care about
me the way I care about her.

I always get depressed when people I'm attracted to don't
say the right thing. I mean, in the end she said she was
really tired so she was going back to bed. I asked her why
she was up in the first place, and she told me it was
because she was trying to wake up. I was kinda hoping she
would say it was because she wanted to see me. Then again,
she did tell me she was sorry she hadn't said much,
because she was exhausted.

I think that indicates two things. Well, I mean, ... my
reaction indicates two things. First of all, that I might
be overly sensitive and more prone to being pessimistic.
That is, ... when I don't get the answer I want to hear,
then I start to get depressed and start arriving at
irrational conclusions about ... anything. Which is a bit
unfair, because ... there's almost a zero percent chance
that anyone could say what I want to hear. Secondly, ...
that I always look for the impossible. I mean, ...
assuming she did like me, how was she suppose to know that
was the right answer? It could just be that she was being
honest and to her honesty is more important than a cute
remark.

Of course, assuming she likes me.

She wrote me an email yesterday, that I just received
today, ... The servers that handle email must really be no
the fritz or something. But anyway, she said that ... she
was hoping I'd come on soon and that she had a short
attention span. She wrote more than that of course, but I
just remember those parts. Actually, ... I haven't told
her this, but I tend to read her emails more than once.
Not like over and over again ... to the point where I can
remember them. But I read them again, and just sorta sigh
and think about her.

Hm, I think I'm lovesick ...

I've noticed that for the last month or so she's been
writing to me just about everyday. Sometimes twice a day.
It's kinda nice to open up my inbox and see a ton of email
from Elle. Even though it's over a course of a month. Last
week though has been an exception. No email for about 6
days. But I guess that can be attributed to the fact
school's just started and the scarcity of time.

Speaking of time ... I think the therapist is dozing. I
guess we'll do our project later tonight.

I'm still not sure how she feels about me tbough. Elle I
mean.

She told me she wasn't feeling so well, because of some
sort of seasonal allergy thing. I played with her a bit
and sort of dreamily told her that I would cover her in a
blanket and make sure she was nice and warm next to me ...
you know, like nurse her back to health. ... Not that
she's like a sick puppy and needs that sort of treatment,
but I just kinda ... tried to indicate that I really care
about her.

Of course, that totally didn't make any sense because
uh, ... if you're all warm and stuff, that's not going to
help much if your symptons are being caused by allergies.
I wasn't really thinking.

She said the cutest thing though. She told me she didn't
want me to get sick either. Aww. I'm not real sure how to
take it though, ... I mean on the one hand is she trying
to push me away or something? Or, ... does she really not
want me to get ill?

I guess that's kinda the curse to trying to be open
minded. Being open minded means being open to all kinds of
possible ways things can be interpreted. For example, ...
does she mean she doesn't want me close to her, and this
is just her polite way of saying she doesn't want to
cuddle? Or does she care and is just trying to make sure I
don't suffer like her?

It could also mean, none of the above. That she's just
being nice and all.

It's just so incredibly hard to say. I mean, ... if she
were to only give me a "hug" of sorts, it might be more
clear. Actually ... I don't ever recall her ever giving me
a "hug". I mean, she's never done that before. On the
other hand, she could just be shy ... And on the other
hand, it could just be that she isn't shy and she doesn't
think of me that way.

And on the other hand, I'm probably going to just end up
burned out if I keep trying to figure this out. I think
I'll take the advice of the therapist in regards to Mel,
and just like ... well, that wouldn't work actually.

Because with Mel, it was like, she say she loves me but
does she really? Here with Elle it's like ... Well, does
she care about me?

Oh yes. The problem of interpretation.

I guess I should just take things one step at a time. I
mean, ... just be glad that I even know her. Now that I'm
aware of how I feel for her, it's made me realize that
maybe ... just maybe, ... things can be different. I
mean, ... Oh wow I guess that really sounded bad.

I'll explain in my next entry, ... Elle's on!




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