2004-09-11 03:30:03 (UTC)


i wrote in here a bunch last night but its gone. i miss
rita. im getting my period. i want to go take pictures of
the world trade center lights but mark fell asleep and
doesnt want to wake up. i wont get mad. even though im
beginning to feel a little used. its always what he wants
to do. im too good for him. trying to get a woman. trying
to treat him good. doing all i can. i feel so conflicted. i
dont know why. dont kinw whati am bitching about. he is
good to me too. i think. everyone else seems to think so.
he is good. i shouldnt be complaining. should i go with
rico and becca? im getting my period. i feel sad and
emotional. i feel like i want mark to wake up and be
like "i know how much this means to you, lets go sweetie" i
want him to understand me and i dont think he does. i want
hoim to want to understand me and i dont think he does. my
biggest fear is that i could be anyone. could i be anyone?
do i matter? me? or is it the sex and my family and food
and my apartment and shit like that? does he just not want
to be alone? what AM i to him? what does he think of me?
how does he FEEL? i dont KNOW these things.

i have these two stickers of rita and i in a pocket. they
are making me cry. i feel like i wasnt a good friend. that
night was nice, in the kitchen with rita and irene.
drinking wine. looking at costa rico pictures. laughing and
she is my best friend. who knowsme the most. understand me.
loves me. my childhood my youth. my other half. i have
julie too and maya and iris. i shouold be thankful of that.
but nothing will ever be the same.

maybe its just as well im too emotional
i should be happy i get a night to myself

thisis just pms right?