X is my secret.
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2004-09-10 23:42:28 (UTC)

9-10 College

So, here I am at ISU.
It's been cool so far, except for the fact that I fell
back into my major depression. I mean, I've had such a bad
time getting to know anyone here, and all the girls on my
floor paired up with a guy from next door right away. It
was hell on my self-esteem. So all I had to do was mope
about John all these 3 weeks. That would have been easy to
get over though, if he'd just talk to me once in a while.

I wrote him a letter. I sent it to Jenny and then to Erin
and to KAtherine, and they're proof reading it for me. So
far Katherine says that there is some stuff that will
scare him. But Erin says it's really good and she's proud
of me, and she just changed some wording in it. And it
sounds really good. so i'll just wait for jenny adn then
i'll send it.

it's not convincing him to date me. I don't want to push
that. I just want something. I have nothing right now. He
never initiates conversations with me.

I'm so very excited though, I am for sure going to study
at the University College Cork in Cork Co. Ireland!!
WHOOOO, for those of you who don't know, UCC is John's
alma mater, and he lives in Cork. So yeah, it's exciting I
already asked him to help me find a place to live.

Also, I ahve AIM express, so I can't see people's
profiles, or their entire away messages, so I was talking
to jess and was really pissed and she said that John says
he's coming back to camp next summer.

well, that was pretty cool to find out. but hten she
started to try and convince me it was becasue of me that
he changed his mind. Honesly, I doubt it. I mean he said
at a meeting that he was cmoing back because some of the
little girls made him cry.

HIM!!! It was so wonderful, and it just makes me
contradict all of my uncertainties. Like, the couple of
times we talked about him not coming back, adn how he just
seemed so sad that i was so upset about it. I could see in
his eyes that he saw my dissappointment whenever he
brought it up. And if he was talking to someone else, he'd
look at me and say "but, i'm reconsidering."


i liked talking to him. about all sorts of stuff. . .well
i actually just listened, but i loved doing it. OH GOD.
then there was the last night, the night he held me
sooooooo tight. Seriously, it was tight enough, where i
coudln't move, but still just gentle enough to where i
could breathe, and so it was completely comfortable, adn i
just . . i just layed there. . . half asleep. . drifted
back asleep. . . and just . . . . *sigh*. . . . .
i dunno about that kid.

well, i'm done for now. i'm gonna try to go find something
to do online. i'll write again later. probably about john.

love and peace