Remma

I need to remember what it is..

I need to remember what it is like to write. I haven't
written in a long time and I feel like I'm losing myself
amidst the tidal wave I am swept up in.

the light
is far from me
but i can see it, reaching down to caress my face
with its fingers of golden warmth
where it will end, i do not know
i cannot claim to see the answers
or know the future
i mix everything up, and i don't know where i'm going
i break people's hearts, and i do not know why
why do i hurt people so?
do i really bring anyone joy?
when i am there for someone, day in and day out, while he
is breaking, and this makes me break too,
who will be there to piece me back together once he is
healed?
if you think it should be him--
how can you trust one who could not help himself?
and why would he trust me to glue him back,
if i fall apart so easily?
why can i not get a handle on this thing that I feel?
i feel i am a small child who still needs to hold an
experienced hand to cross the street or an ocean.
i am not ready for the leaps before me, unless i planned
for them
i am ready to leap where i am sure of myself
but here, i cannot see the bottom
the foggy air is restricting my breath
and the dead air chokes me...

but i know that things would get better if i could only
get some sleep
and feel truly rested
and not overextended
you broke me last time, and now
i cannot function the way God meant me to
i can't figure out how you broke me
so how do i fix me then?
i am still finding bits of your charm
behind my couch, months later
i swept it up in a dustpan, but it stuck there
so every time i try to clean up
i get stuck back on you