Codesmith

Life, Or Something Like It
2004-09-07 03:04:58 (UTC)

She's So ... Perfect

It's 0906, Monday. 1004pm. Um, no rain. Much to my dismay.
We're suppose to get the periphery winds and rain. I'm
looking forward to it, as I enjoy dark and stormy weather.

I'm not going to make this long, as I should probable be
asleep. I know it sounds a bit early, but I'm trying to
get in all my sleep so that my muscles have a chance to
rebuild. I read it somewhere in a weightlifting article
awhile back. Curious.

My fitness is going well, I'm slowly gaining the strength
that I've been working towards. I did cardio the other
day, ... it felt more like a warmup than it did a workout.
I wonder if I wrote this before? I mean, ... this entry
sounds kinda like deja vu.

I've been trying to write the past few days, although that
has met with little success. The past few days have been a
bit ... difficult for me.

I've written about a person that I've just been really
crushing on for two weeks now. The same person who I
thought I was over. I find myself a bit obsessed ...
thinking about her. Sort of, ... actually missing her.
It's all online though. Which I guess adds a certain
amount of pathetic-ness to the situation.

Ooh, I really need to hit the bars more often.

But that is kinda the thing too. Would you really want to
form a relationship with someone you met at the bar? I
mean, not that there is anything wrong with that. But
still ... at a bar?

This person that I've been crushing on ... I've known her
for a very long time. Literally years. I hate to say
this ... because I know when I look back on this I'm going
to cringe. But, ... when I think about it ... she just
seems so ... perfect.

There is a problem though. Two of them actually, and a
third that is absolutely irreoncilable given the
situation. For one, there's the distance. Secondly, I
don't think she thinks of me in the way that I think of
her. I've kept that from her, although I sometimes think
she sort of faintly senses how I feel towards her. It
could just be my imagination. Given my state of obsession,
I have to second guess myself when it comes with anything
regarding her. These second guesses come from the more
disciplined part of me. And regretably, ... the more
depressed part of me.

Everytime we talk it's like a sweet, yet painful play with
my feelings. Not that she flirts with me. Rather it's
gotten to the point where my day just isn't complete
without her popping on to say hi. Or for us to talk
about ... the things we talk about.

I think she might have actually felt something for me at
one time. I can't be certain how serious it was though.
I've become pretty good at determining crushes from true
heart felt feelings. I think she might have had a slight
crush, but like I said ... I can't be certain. After all,
I kinda have an ego.

But that's enough about how I feel about this person. At
the moment, my strategy is to smother how I feel about
her. To just have myself feel for her the way it use to
be ... um, how it was like before a few weeks ago. You
know, ... just as a close friend. None of this, pining for
her, missing her terribly, and thinking about her all day
crap.

Although, historically ... whenever I've tried to
dislocate how I feel for someone ... the situation always
ends up being a disaster. More than words can describe.

It's just odd that I would feel this way for her now.
We've known each other for years. Yet only a few weeks ago
did I really start to feel differently towards her. When
we started laughing together about something ... it just
sort of clicked in me. I just sort of thought, "Wow she's
just really fun ... and she's smart, mature, and kinda
cute." This could not have picked a more worse time for
this to be dropped on my list of things to try to sort
through.

Historically, whenever I start to get crushes in the
beginning of the semester ... my semester doesn't go too
well. Another reason why I'm attempting to dislocate how I
feel for her ... I mean, if she doesn't feel anything for
me and this is just going to mess with my semester ...
then I have to really try to nip this in the bud as fast
as I can.

I think what's more maddening is that I don't think she
even has the slightest thing for me anymore. I finally
sent her my picture about a few weeks ago. She has been
begging for me to send her one for the longest time. With
the digital camera acquisition, the frequency of requests
increased exponentially. I don't mind though. It's only
fair since she was sending me her pictures for the longest
time as well. When she got my pictures, she didn't really
make any comments about them. I took that as a bad sign.

Well I don't know. Maybe women just don't say anything
when they see someone they think is hot. Ya ... somehow
that doesn't seem to make any sense. Maybe I should ask
Jenn.

I would ask the therapist, but I have a weird feeling she
wouldn't be of much help. I would ask Mel, but ... I don't
want to talk to her right now. If ever.

I would ask Nonna. But I mean, that's kinda a no-go. It's
been awhile since we talked, and ... she's kinda missing
in action at the moment. Unless Mel lied to me about that.
According to Mel, Nonna was supposed to have moved some
time ago to a new place. Considering the only way I can
get Nonna's number from Mel ... and considering I don't
really wanna talk to Mel ... I think I might be out of
luck here. I might want to talk to Mel though ... I mean,
just to get Nonna's number. Whenever Mel get's Nonna's
number. Mel also said that she doesn't know Nonna's new
number ... because Nonna never told her what the new
number was. Not to mention Nonna is also MIA.

I really miss Nonna. She's like one of the few people I
had such an easy time talking with. Too bad she's like
uh ... two time zones away.

There was just something about her though. She's a
Scorpio. I'm a Cancer. I'm not a firm believer in
horoscopes, for many ... Christian reasons. But I find the
coincidental compatibility a bit intriguing.

Maybe I should just start dating people who are Scorpios.

The person I'm crushing on isn't a Scorpio. I think she's
a Leo? I'm not sure. Well, ya I think she's a Leo. Ooh.
That horoscope analysis didn't look too good. It just says
I'm pretty fucking needy and I need to give more attention
to her.

Odd. It was kind of part of what I was thinking earlier.
That is ... how to proceed with all of this. On the one
hand, there is a big part of me that wants to try to nip
this as fast as possible. There is another part of me, ...
in the minority that says I should try to make this work.

If I ever thought she had some sort of feelings for
me, ... I wouldn't try to nip this in the bud. But I don't
think she does. Maybe one of these days when I get over
her, I'll probably just tell her that I had feelings for
her at one time. I don't know. I'm kinda lost ... again.

Today while we were talking, she mentioned this guy she
met. This guy was apparently pretty hot, according to her.
It was kinda right then that I figured maybe she wasn't
all that interested in me. I guess she could have been
trying to make me jealous. I don't know. My game is pretty
rusty these days.

I'll write more in the morning. The therapist wants to
play a bit. ... I kinda wish I was playing with the girl
who I've been thinking bout all day ...

Sometimes, I think she's so perfect ... she can't possibly
be real. ... But more on that tomorrow.




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