Cowgirl_Mom

Ramblings of a Mom
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2004-08-31 00:15:53 (UTC)

HELP ME

OH, how hurt I am right now! I have had such issues
writing in my diary or even writing an email lately
online! Every time I get to type, the whole thing locks up
and then when I finally complete something and click submit
or send, then it loses my page. I then click refresh, and
the page is gone and so is my email or entry and such forth!
I just had a semi-conversation with my husband, and I am
just on the verge of tears and really have no one to talk
to about it, so diary, here it is!
I hope you don’t mind, I’m going to drink a beer (or two or
three, depends) while I do this. My husband and I have not
had sex regularly for probably close to a year now. First
it was because I was pregnant, and the pregnancy was not an
easy pregnancy. Then it was because I had had an unplanned
C-section, so that took some recovery time. Since then,
there really should not have been any real excuses, but it
just hasn’t been anything close to normal timing! I mean,
come on, we’re talking 2 months or longer in between times!
Here lately, I’ve just put it out of my mind, or rather
tried to, thinking that maybe he’s just tired, working 6
days a week and hearing me getting up with the baby at
night, etc. I haven’t always been successful at putting it
away like that, but I would like to know that I tried!
The same ghosts go to raise their ugly heads again of times
past. My ex and I slowed down in the sex department
significantly before he announced that he was leaving us
for an ‘attraction’ to someone else. For all I know now,
although he will never admit it, he was cheating on me long
before that. So I wonder, is he cheating? Is he attracted
to somebody else? Or is it just me? Just that I haven’t
lost all of my weight from our son’s pregnancy? Everybody
keeps telling me that I am losing weight, I just don’t seem
to see it or feel it, and I wonder, what do I need to do to
make him attracted to me again? Last night we wrestled
around (we end up playing like kids most nights, snagging
covers, tickling, poking, etc.) and I even made some pretty
obvious moves toward him and he basically turned me down.
I wondered about it, I was even hurt about it, but I
figured he had his reasons; maybe he was too tired, felt
gross from mowing the grass and not having a shower,
whatever.
Well, it all came out tonight! And, like my ex, he makes
his point, knowing he is walking out the door and doesn’t
have time to talk about it. He makes some joke about how
I ‘asked for sex’ last night and didn’t get it. And I
retorted, yeah, like always. He starts teasing me
about ‘whine, whine, whine’ and I inform him that I am just
speaking the truth. He tells me that we already have one
of those (pointing to our son in the high chair) and that
he’s scared to have another one. I tell him, okay, so what
am I taking the pill for then? Why do I take it so
religiously? His retort is that they are not 100%
protection, so he’s waiting to get fixed.
Okay, so what the hell? I’m not getting laid again until
he gets fixed? Why am I bothering to take the pill? I
have spent literally MONTHS thinking that it’s me, that I’m
not attractive enough for him, not pleasing him enough
(both in the bedroom or out), anything! I felt like I had
to be super good, and then, maybe, I’d be graced with a
chance for sex. I have to admit, I’m not really crazy
about him getting ‘snip-snipped’, I wouldn’t mind, after
another 3 or 4 years, trying again, maybe for a girl this
time. I just don’t like the permanency of being fixed and
not being allowed to have that chance.
On the other hand, I am very hurt and angry that it has
taken him this long to tell me this. To let me think all
of this was somehow my fault, to let me bring back all of
my old demons and wonder about all of my old insecurities!
Rather than just telling me, look, I’m nervous about us
getting pregnant again, and the pill is not 100% safe, so
that’s why I have not had sex with you. But now he brings
it up, throws it out there, and then leaves for a cub scout
meeting with my older son. And like he didn’t bring that
up at dinner how all of the guys at work laughed at him
today when he told him what he had to do tonight. Does he
not want to be that part for the older one either? The
father figure that he does not have from the one that
actually fathered him?
Shit, here come the tears now. What’s the worst is that
when my PC kept locking up earlier and I couldn’t get on
here and type my heart out, I panicked. I have NO ONE to
call to talk to about this! My best friend who lives in
Canada, it seems that our friendship becomes more and more
distant every time we talk. I guess that’s probably my
fault too somehow. Besides, even if I did call her, I
wouldn’t know where to call her, she is up in the air right
now while she figures her plans out with moving and such.
The only person I talk to now as a close friend and that I
depend on is my mother, and she is getting so caught up in
her own stuff, I’m sure she’s tired of listening to me and
my problems. I’ve caught her several times lately where
she’s not even listening, she does the whole uh, huh, yeah,
really stuff and then when I ask her a question and wait
for an answer, she’s like what?
I guess I sound like someone really pitiful at this point.
Maybe that’s what happens when you stay at home with your
kids and pretty much stop socializing. My life has
changed, my life style has changed, and my old friends
don’t mesh with this life as well as before.
I better run now, the Cub Scout meeting will be over in 20
minutes, putting them home in 30-40 minutes, and the baby
is starting to fuss, I think he’s had enough of being on
the floor for right now.


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