bluemoon

The crazy world of me
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Ezoic
2004-08-26 08:13:17 (UTC)

had reason to be scared

SOOOOOOOOOOO........ A LOT HAS HAPPENED SINCE I HAVE
LAST WROTE. IT SEEMS LIKE ONE BAD THING AFTER THE OTHER IS
HAPPENING WITH ME. THIS IS HOW IT STARTED: GOT IN ANOTHER
CAR ACCIDENT, FOUND OUT I COULDN'T GO TO SCHOOL AT LEAST
THIS SEMESTER AND WELL NOW MAYBE NEVER, THEN ........(BIG
PAUSE)......... RICKY BROKE UP WITH ME. DAMN, DID I HAVE
REASON TO BE SCARED OR WHAT? I WAS WORRIED ABOUT LOOSING
THE ONLY PERSON WHO MADE ME FEEL LOVED AND BAM IT HAPPENS.
I GUESS THATS WHAT I GET FOR BEING WORRIED. THIS ALL
HAPPENED ABOUT 3 WEEKS AGO I GUESS. MAYBE MORE. I WANTED
TO WRITE ABOUT IT BUT IT ALL JUST HAPPENED AND I DIDN'T
WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT. PLUS WHEN RICKY FIRST BROKE UP
WITH ME WE WERE STILL WITH EACH OTHER EVERYDAY. IT WAS
LIKE WE WERE STILL GOING OUT BUT WEREN'T. I WAS GOING TO
TRY NOT TO ACT LIKE WE WERE OKAY LIKE WHEN WE WATCHED
MOVIES NOT LAY WITH HIM BUT THE VERY NEXT TIME WE WATCHED A
MOVIE HE PULLED ME OVER TO HIM. I WASN'T GOING TO LAY ON
HIM BECAUSE I FIGURED HEY WERE NOT TOGETHER BUT ONCE HE
PULLED ME CLOSE I DIDN'T WANT TO BE ANYWEHRE ELSE BUT IN
HIS ARMS. AND WHEN WE WENT TO THE MALL AND HE WAS HOLDING
MY HAND I WANTED TO PULL AWAY BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO KEEP
THINKING IT WAS OKAY BUT I JUST COULDN'T, I WANTED HIM TO
BAD.
I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE HURT AS MUCH AS I AM RIGHT NOW.
AND I HAVE BEEN THROUGH SOME MESSED UP SHIT. PROBABLY THE
REASON I AM SO FUCKED UP. I CAN'T HELP BUT BLAME MYSELF
FOR THE WHOLE RELATIONSHIP WITH RICKY. ALL I CAN KEEP
ASKING MYSELF IS WHY WASN'T I GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM. I TRIED
TO DO EVERYTHING HE WOULD EVER WANT ME TO DO. I AM NOT
PERFECT THOUGH. I STILL DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT I DID WRONG.
IT SEEMS LIKE NO MATTER WHAT I DO THINGS JUST GET TURNED
UPSIDE DOWN. WHAT AM I DOING SO WRONG?
GUYS ARE SO OFF MY LIST. I EITHER RUN INTO CRAZY ONES
(JUSTIN SOME PRICK I MET AT WAL-MART AND IS NUTS) OR ONES
THAT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH ME (LEROY YET ANOTHER WAL-MART
GUY {HIS COUSIN WAS NICE. I WISH I REMEMBERED HIS NAME. I
SHOULD CALL LEROY AND ASK HIM. HE WAS EASY TO TALK TO AND
MADE ME FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF. BUT I HAVE A FEELING HE
WOULD JUST USE MY VALNURBILITY ^I AM NOT SURE ABOUT THAT
WORD. I JUST CANT SPELL.^ AND TRY TO GET SOME FROM ME
EVENTUALLY} AND SOME KID AT A PARTY I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW) AND
I AM COOL ON THAT. I SHOULD STAY AWAY FROM WAL-MART
PEOPLE. I AM NO SLUT. I DONT JUST SLEEP WITH PEOPLE. NOT
ONLY THAT I STILL DONT WANT ANYBODY ELSE BUT RICKY. sO I
HAVE JUST BEEN TRYING TO SLEEP MYSELF THROUGH THE DAY UNTIL
I HAVE TO GET READY TO GO TO WORK. THEN GO TO WORK AND
COME HOME AND WATCH A MOVIE AND GO TO SLEEP. THAT WAY MY
MIND IS ALWAYS ON SOMETHING ELSE BUT IT DOESN'T WORK. AT
WORK I STILL THINK ABOUT RICKY AND WHEN I HANG OUT WITH MY
FRIENDS THATS ALL I THINK AND TALK ABOUT THE WHOLE TIME. I
HAVE BEEN HANGIN OUT WITH THIS GUY ANDRE WHO JUST LOST "THE
LOVE OF HIS LIFE" SO I CAN UNDERSTAND WHAT HE IS GOING
THROUGH. SO WE TALK AND HANG OUT A LOT. I REALLY JUST TRY
TO TELL HIM HOW TO GET HIS GIRL BACK. HE IS SO
DETERMINED. I HOPE HE GETS HER. I DONT REALLY ASK HIM HOW
TO GET RICKY BACK BECAUSE I DONT WANT RICKY TO THINK THAT I
AM TRYING TO RUSH HIM AND THEN PUSH HIM TOTALLY OUT OF MY
LIFE OR INTO THE ARMS OF SOMEONE ELSE. PLUS IS THERE
REALLY A WAY TO GET A GUY BACK?
I AM NOT SURE WHAT IS GOING ON BUT I HOPE I GET THROUGH
IT. BUT I HAVE TO GO. PEACE
~MICHELLE~


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