1980

One life two live
2004-08-25 05:01:38 (UTC)

Having a hard time...

How can i explain the love i felt so someone could
understand?
There was nothing more that i loved than Dreamgirl.
Now how do you explain the feeling i have when she tells
me to move on and forget about her?
I cannot name anything that i wouldn't give up for her.
The pain that this brings me is something i've never felt
before.
My grandpa used to be the most important person in my
life, and when he died, it hit hard. It felt like the
world collapsing on me, a train hitting me, whatever. I
was messed up for months. He showed so much faith in me,
beleived in me more than anything. Some people say they
looked up to super heros when they were young, my grandpa
was more than a super hero to me then. He still is, i
still ask him for help everyday with things. Everytime i
drive past his cemetery i look over and tell him how i'm
doing.
That pain was immense, living without him. for two weeks i
broke down a couple of times a day, just to cry for him.

Now enters dreamgirl, i fall deeply in love with her, and
she leaves me. Doesn't bother to give me a second chance
and tells me it wouldn't work anyways.
This pain is so bad, i need help crying. i need things
that will make me cry. i can't cry myself to sleep nights,
so i sit awake for hours.
my chest doesn't physically hurt, but yet it does. it
feels like somethings crushing it all the time. and i hold
my chest, and rub it as if i'm trying to push something
off, but the pain remains. My stomach constantly feels as
if i'm ready to throw up.
My head is going around in circles and i can't think
straight for one fucking minute. i ask God, i ask my
grandpa, anyone for assistance and yet it doesn't come.
Theres no release.
I don't want her back, unless she truly wants to come
back. unless shes willing to fight to get me back.
But i know she doesn't, and i can't force her to no matter
how much i love her.
So the only thing for me is to take my happy memories and
move on. its so easy to say, so whys it so hard to do? Why
do i feel like i have to completely start my life over
just to move on?
If it was for my friends and family, Dreamgirl would
probably have a restraining order put on me, changed her
phone number and moved. Theres been so many times i wanted
to call her, so many times i wanted to just get up and go
see her, no matter what the time was, (4:30am once). but
thankfully my friends and family have helped. When i need
someone to talk to they are there. They don't mind what
time i call. :)
They don't mind me contradicting myself all the time. So
thank you to them.

Its gonna be a long hard road ahead, i know and everyone
keeps telling me. i wish there was a simple fix to all
this. There is, but it ain't gonna happen. So i need
another one.

Someday....




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