Visions Of Life
2004-08-23 22:45:21 (UTC)

Hmmmmmm- Masochism

Quote from Bolt

"In truth, you like the pain. You like it because you
believe you deserve it, and the fact that you're putting
yourself through pain means you are doing what you, by all
rights, ought to do. You're doing something right. It's
hard to describe how these two things can take place in
the same mind: the arrogant, self-absorbed pride in
yourself for your incredible feat, and the belief that you
are so evil as to deserve starvation and any other form of
self-mutilation. They coexist because you're split
yourself in two. One part is the part you're trying to
kill-the weak self, the body. One part is the part you're
trying to become-the powerful self, the mind. This is not
psychosis, this splitting. It is the history of Western
culture made manifest.

Your ability to withstand pain is your claim to fame. It
is ascetic, holy. It is self-control. It is MASOCHISM, and
masochism is pleasurable to many, but we don't like to
think about that. We don't like to think that a person
could have a twisted autoerotic life going on, be both a
top and a bottom, and experience both at once: the
pleasure of beating the hell out of a body shackled at the
wrists, and the pleasure of being the body and knowing we
deserve each blow."

That does describe how I feel sometimes. I feel like I
deserve to hurt. Deserve to be punished. I reach for food
as a way to sabatoge my strive for being healthy. i know
how horrible I will feel afterwards. I think I deserve it.
Other times I lose control and feel like I am a bad person
that needs to bleed. So I cut myself. Sometimes I hit
myself when I can control the urge to not cut. I am not
that bad anymore, but the urges are there every week. I
have this morbid and dark part of my being that wont go
away. It tells me how worthless I am, how ugly I am, how I
will never amount to anything. Its sometimes so hard to
not listen so I drown myself in fantasy. I go to sleep in
a world that is not my own; where I am a beautiful and
talented warrior woman who everyone wants. A woman who is
perfect in every way. I focus more on the physical aspects
of this woman because it is what I want to look like but
will never achieve. No amount of work will make me skinny.
All I want is to be healthy but it gets so hard sometimes.
I over eat then make up for it by not eating or trying to
throw up. Each time I focus on food I fall into a darker
hole. Not even my own wedding can encourage me to try
harder to be healthy. I dont know what to do. I try
getting pleasure from other things besides eating and it
doesnt work. I feel doomed and alone, especially because
everyone else is naturally skinny and less than a size 8,
while I am here, eating healthier then they are and trying
to exercise, and would give anything to even be a size 12
or 14. It sucks being a woman sometimes.