poeticgem

My sometimes coherent thoughts
2004-08-22 17:44:41 (UTC)

love to hear his voice

he called me this morning ... just to say good morning
before he left for work ... I love the sound of his voice!
He said he dreamed about me all night long ;-) ... he makes
me smile ... makes me feel things I haven't felt in such a
long time ... I thought the dreams in me had died and the
girl who dreamed them had long since disappeared ... but
something about Chris ... something about him stirs within
me the whispers of sadly forgotten and neglected hopes ...
as if he's breathing life into them ...

it's frightening, I want to be so positive and accept these
wonderful, exhilerating, life instilling feelings, but I
don't want to get hurt ... don't want to be hurt
anymore ... is it ok to be this happy? Is it ok to feel
like this when I've yet to formally close the door to my
past ...

I don't know, all I can say is I know that this is just the
beginning stages so of course it's all full of giddiness
and excitement ... but I realize the real test of this
budding relationship lies down the road ... nevertheless,
for the first time in probably forever, I can actually
vision 'down the road' ... I can actually see myself doing
things with Chris that I thought I would never want to do
again with anyone else but Harry ... going places like
Vegas which up until meeting Chris I was certain I'd not be
able to go to again for a long time without him because
that's always been our place ... it's weird to feel this
way. But it's weird in the most wonderful way.

And yet another incredibly different thing about Chris,
different from any of the other men in my past, is that
Chris is a big flirt, a big tease ... but he wants our
first time to be special ... and I love the way he flirts
with me, it makes me feel all giddy inside and makes me
want to be with him like that so much more ... I honestly
never thought I'd ever WANT to be with someone else in that
way ...

I mean what happened with Mark, even that in itself was
weird because he was a stranger for one AND I didn't feel
the slightest bit guilty for being physical with him (and
oddly enough, it doesn't bother me that we'll probably
never talk again ... I have no regrets ... it almost seems
as if it was once last fling ... because then along came
Chris!) In the past, when Harry and I have had our break
ups and I've tried dating in the interim periods, I haven't
been able to let go of his memory, I've compared everyone
to him and allowing another man to touch me made me feel so
incredibly guilty and just plain bad.

But with Chris ... it's all so very different! I actually
WANT to be with him and the anticipation that's building
up ... is like WOW and so NEW ... and it feels so freakin'
exhilerating ... it's almost hard to put into words!

Am I terrible for leaving Harry out in the cold? Do I not
deserve this happiness after putting all my dreams, hopes,
wants and desires on a shelf for the past decade?

I do believe that God knows better than me what I need and
when I'm ready and able to handle whatever He sends my
way ... so I will stop asking questions and simply ACCEPT
this wonderful gift he has placed in my life ... THANK YOU
GOD!

(oh, Chris told me this morning that he's actually 36 NOT
37 ... his birthday is May 14 - Mother's Day - 1968 ... I
don't know why he fibbed on that one ... should I be
worried? .... ummmm, I think I'll just let it go ... and
not make a mountain out of a molehill which I'm so very
good at doing!)

alrighty then, gotta go get ready ... gotta drive down to
Palm Springs to meet my dad and pick up Chantelle ...

ciao for now




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