- Jessica -

- Stuck In A World Of Sin -
2004-08-22 04:40:41 (UTC)

Can It Be Possible That I'm Feeling Left Out??

Hey-

Well, I've felt this certain way for a couple of
days. I just hope that when this is all over that I wont
look back on it and tell myself how stupid I was for
feeling this way. (I say that having my last enrty in
mind.) I've felt left out from my fellow friends. I'm not
the only one.. Morgan too.. but it sucks pretty bad.
I've been feeling left out for two reasons... one..
that I'm grounded and have been invtied to all of this
stuff this weekend. And Two.. for not having a boyfriend
at school.
I was really upset on Friday because everyone was
inviting me to this party at Michael's church. My mom told
me that I couldn't go because I was grounded. (Of course.)
It makes me angry because I have done everything that I
can possibly think of to try to give my mom reasons for
her to unground me... it seems now, that no matter what I
do.. she'll never unground me!! It's frustrating.
Then on Thursday I got invited by Justin to go to
Frontier City with his church.. and a lot of my other
friends were going... like: Jeni, Dillon, Emily, and Josh.
(Can you see the pattern?.. They're all boyfriend and
girlfriend.) I thought that Justin was inviting me because
Lindsey (His girlfriend) couldn't go. So I agreed that I
would ask my mom if I could go to keep him company. (I
thought that if I told her that.. that it would be easier
for her to say yes.. and let me go.)
Then I found out that Lindsey WAS going.. so I kinda
got upset because then I knew that if I went I would have
been the one left out... the 7th wheel. I've been in that
position before.. and it's not fun at all. It was then
that I decided that I wasn't going to go.. even if my mom
said yes. (By the way.. I never asked my mom.) I figured
that if I did go.. that I would just be a problem because
I would be in a bad mood the whole time.. just because I
know the situation. It's the way I am.
My friends we trying to convince me to go, but I
refused. I think that even if they did make me feel apart
of the group, that they would be doing it out of pity. And
I hate pity. Especially if it's acted upon me. That would
make me in an even more bad mood. I figured that I would
save my friends the burden of trying to make me feel good.
So I didn't go. I didn't really want to after I found out
that Lindsey was going. It's not that I don't like her..
it's just after I found out she was going.. I didn't
really see a place for me there.
It's like that all the time. Having a homeschooled
boyfriend isn't the greatest in the world. It doesn't
benefit me much... besides in the summer. But summer is
over... and school had begun. I hate not being around him
Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, or Saturday. it's just
not a good feeling seeing everyone pair up at your school.
Even if you do have a boyfriend somewhere else. I feel so
alone. And sometimes I forget that I even have a
boyfriend. It stinks.
- Jess




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