Codesmith

Life, Or Something Like It
2004-08-21 06:07:17 (UTC)

Ranch Dressing Posioning, Love Shack, and Melanie

It's 110am. It's so quiet I can almost hear my own
heartbeating. Undoubtedly the people residing near me have
drunken themselves into a stupor and are now in a deep
sleep, voiding any physical movements and along with it
any noise.

So, I'm looking at some digital cameras that have captured
my fancy. I am looking on ebay, but unfortunately luck has
not been on my side. I am looking to spend less than $30
or so on a new digital camera. It is probably incredibly
naive to hope that I could find one on ebay that has that
cost, ... but I'm feeling optimistic today. But as I said,
I don't appear to be finding any. Which I guess shouldn't
surprise me.

I have tried to not think about the Melanie issue today.
It seems that today was alot easier to go without thinking
about Mel. I think the distractions of the therapist as
well as our attempt at ruling our little island of Tropico
has been enough to distract me. We keep going bankrupt
though. After about 40 or so years, we start losing money
for some reason. I suppose it's because we always try to
start developing other industries like tourism ... and
maybe our planning is a bit off or something, but we
always tend to ... go bankrupt in about ten years after
the venture capitalist scheme. I guess we should just
stick to like, pineapple harvesting. But then, what fun
would that be?

I guess the problem over the past few days concerning
Melanie has been in part because I can't seem to focus on
anything for any appreciable amount of time. I tend to ...
look at things holistically. Because of that, I have a
hard time looking at pieces of a puzzle, ... I have to see
the whole picture. Pieces by themsleves don't mean much to
me. A flaw on my part.

What does this have to do with Mel? Well ... I think part
of the reason for my apparent distress a few days ago was
partly because the whole situation was something I wanted
to understand. Does she love me? Does she not? What's with
the emails? What's with not writing back? What should I
do ...

In order to gain an appreciable understanding of my
situation, it was necessary to understand it in parts. But
that's not something I tend to do ... it's not something
I'm accustomed to doing. I guess that's why I'm not the
best programmer I could be.

Rather, ... I tried and failed to look at things through
the perspective of what it all means as a whole ... which,
proved ultimately to be overwhelming.

I guess today's question is ... why didn't she email me
back? Does she not want to talk? Was she too busy?

From personal experience, I know that I tend to not email
people back right away because ... I need time to just
soak things in. Perhaps, another way of putting it is ...
I'm huge procrastinator. I know Mel is to some degree a
procrastinator. I don't know if she is more or less ...
maybe more.

Yet, if she missed me like she said she did ... then why
would you want to procrastinate in sending a response to
the person who you love who asks if he can call you again?

I tried to put myself in her shoes today, and I came to
the conclusion that she would write on Monday. But if she
doesn't write on Monday that would mean two things. That
my ability to use the "force" has diminished, and that
there is another reason for her not writing. Maybe it's
cause she doesn't want to seem like she's the one doing
all the work? I have noticed that with women, there tends
to be a sort of ... desire for men to be more chivalrous.
What I mean, is that women tend to want men to be more
spontaneous. Sort of like where they pick up a woman on
the back of a horse or something.

I can certainly understand that. Yet, I find that I try to
avoid things like that. On account of it being perceived
as weird or perhaps bordering on stalker behaviour. I have
noticed that while women tend to desire such behaviour in
men that they do like ... on the other hand they abhor
such activity from men that they do not desire. In the end
it's just really confusing. Maybe I'm just really dense.

I haven't made up my mind if I am going to call her on
Saturday ... which is today actually.

I mean on the one hand, if I did it would indicate to her
that I do have an interest in her. Yet on the other hand,
if I'm wrong ... then I'm a stalker. I'm basing the
stalker thing on the idea that in the course of the one
hour phone conversation, I managed to do so many things
wrong that she just lost all interest in me.

That doesn't seem very probable, yet ... I do know that I
am capable of rather spectacular results. As much as I
would like to say that I'm not capable of something like
that, ... it is still a possibility that I must keep in
the back of my mind.

To call or not to call, ... that's my question. I wish I
had advanced notice of how she felt, ... it would make my
decision making alot easier. But I guess this is more or
less a job for someone empathic. And that is what I've
always said that I was? Empathic? I guess the thing is,
it's always easier to be empathic for someone else ... at
least when you mess up it's not any skin off your back.
You chalk it up to bad luck or that 1% where you're not
right ... and you move on to the next person.

Yet, here ... it's alot more personal.

If I'm wrong ... yet, really ... what would happen if I
was wrong? I seriously doubt she would think I'm stalker-
ish. I think I might call. My other worry is how the
therapist will react. Not that it really matters to me,
but I don't like it when she gets all annoyed with me. Oh
well, not much I can do about that. She says it's a
mistake, ... that Mel has certain issues that would
make "us" (Mel and I) incompatible.

But don't we all have issues like that? Isn't the trick to
work with what we have?

I think I can understand what the therapist is trying to
say though. People have traits which make them
irreconcilable with other people. Someone who thinks it's
acceptable to harm others would probably not be well
suited for someone who is a pacifist. Then there are other
habits which are less irreconcilable. For example, you
have someone who loves cats ... and then paired up with
someone who is allergic to cats? Sure it might be a bit
tough to live together but if it's love then it will
eventually win out. Eventually ...

So when do we draw the line? When do we say that one
person isn't compatible with us? I guess it must differ
from person to person.

I think I said yesterday, that I have a tendency to be
wrong when it comes to Melanie. My first reaction, ...
sometimes even thoughts that come from thoughts spent
poring over what I know of humans ... even those thoughts
tend to be wrong. I was wrong about her not wanting to
call all those times ... I was apparently wrong about her
having moved on without me ... she contacted me again.
Twice.

And now as I sit here, one of my first thoughts for her
not writing back is that she doesn't want to talk. History
has shown that I am most likely wrong ... and with that, I
think I will call her tomorrow.

What do I have to lose? If I'm wrong and she didn't really
want me to call and she changed her feelings within the
course of an hour's call ... then what sort of person is
that? Not someone who meant what they said to me. But, if
I'm right ... then I have alot to gain.

I guess I'll do that tomorrow. Call her I mean.

What is that women always say? Men never call back when
they say they will? Well, I'm not like normal men.

I was forced to watch "Hollywood Weddings" today ... or
something like that. Of all the weddings I had to go
through, I think I enjoyed watching the Carmen and Dave
Navarro wedding the best. Primarily because they just seem
so utterly in love with each other. I found myself envying
the couple.

It made me ask myself, ... have I ever really been in
love? And as I sit here and ponder ... I think the answer
is yes. Once. I remember the feeling so clearly ... as if
it were just a week ago. I don't think I'll say who. I
think I'll archive that for another time.

I guess the good that's come from this weird kind of
vicissitude of the past few days is that it has made me
reevaluate the ideals I try to strive for in life. Um,
ideals that I haven't been striving for as of late ...

I guess it's time to go back to honing my ... "skills". If
you could call it that.

My head hurts a bit less tonight. I think my body was
finally able to dillute the Ranch dressing posioning that
I incurred during last night's dinner. But it's so
tasty ...

Well I guess that's enough for tonight. The therapist
wants to continue our little game of Tropico. I think
she's taking this game a bit too seriously, ... I mean,
she wants to do some calculations as to how it is we can
be losing so much when we try to develop the tourism
sector of our little island. It's just a game ... but then
again, I am also curious as to why we keep losing so much.

On a side note, she has nicknamed the island as the "love
shack". I'm not sure if she's trying to imply something
or ... what. Despite the blatant flirting, I don't mind
spending my insomnia nights with her. Although ... I kinda
wish people on my buddy lists would sign on.




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