•°•Faithorific•°•

The Jiggery-pokery Phenomenon Vol.II
2004-08-20 17:47:58 (UTC)

Episode 55: Welcome to the Freakshow

-Fri, Aug 20, 04 (11:01am)-

I suppose you could say i'm insecure, and not just a
little bit. I am totally insecure about almost every
aspect of myself.

For example, i was reading a magazine called NewWoman
(some British mag my mom picked up in Scotland, there's
some strange stuff in there!) and there was an article
called "The new beauty myth" about how in the 2000's the
ideals of beauty have changed. According to the article
you no longer have to be rail-thin or totally volumptuous
(even though that is still every guys fantasy) or blonde
or whatever, to feel beautiful. Well, after reading the
article i felt pretty good about myself, almost like i
could accept what i look like as beautiful. Then i started
flipping through the rest of the magazine, and a few pages
before was an article entitled "How beautiful are you?"
(that title just has DEATH written ALL over it...).
Basically the article said that if your face didn't fit
into the predetermined 'Golden face mask' some doctor
spent 25 years developing, you don't measure up. You're
not beautiful. And what affect do you think that had on
someone like me, who already has a non-existant self-
esteem? Well, it wasn't good.

Rachel tells me that i am one of the most fascinating
people she knows. That i've got very strong values and
beliefs and when it comes to certain issues i have a very
strong point of view. But when it comes to myself, i have
no point of view. I mean, i used to. I used to think i was
a talented artist, but then i took art classes with Mrs.R
as the teacher. I used to think i was a pretty good
writer, but then i never got outstanding marks in English.
Although i don't think there's ever been a time when i
considered myself beautiful, possibly because my best
friends have always been more beautiful than i am, and i
tend to compare myself to others, a lot.

Don't ask me why i don't have any confidence in
myself. Maybe it's because i feel that i will never
measure up to our society's twisted, contradictory view of
beauty that fails to look past outward appearances to the
beauty of the heart and soul of a person. Maybe it's
because i feel i will never measure up to anyone's
expectations. Maybe it's because i compare myself to
others way too often, when i should be be pleased with my
accomplishments (if only i knew what they were!). Maybe
it's because all my life i've always been 2nd rate, never
the captivating, gorgeous one in a group. Or maybe i
really am blind to the good features i have and i tend to
focus too much on my flaws and faults.

Don't answer that!!!

I suppose i try and make up for my lack of self-
confidence in other ways. Like my strong personality and
beliefs and how i am not easily swayed to change what i
believe. Or how i'm one of the most creative people you
will ever meet and to conform would mean the end of who i
am.

So, maybe i do accept myself, just not in the ways
other people accept me. It's all part of who i am, to
accept what everyone else accepts about me would be like
conforming. I'm learning to love myself in different ways,
in ways i know i have accomplishments...

-Kitsune-




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