Codesmith

Life, Or Something Like It
2004-08-19 07:26:06 (UTC)

Yes, That's It. I'm Just Pining.

It's 213am. It's alright out. Not too cold ... not too
warm.

I'm a bit torn right now. Odd how quickly I can just ...
feel this way. Relatively quickly. I feel so
claustrophobic. The gravity of the situation seeks to
crush me. The only reason I'm not any more anxious or less
in check with how I feel, is because of the 14 or so years
of strict upbringing and my somewhat dedication towards
forcing myself to be calm when faced with ... "problems".

But that is just it. What is it that bothers me so much
here? I don't understand why I feel this way. This ...
strange feeling I have inside of me. Why does my heart
beat so fast? Why on earth am I sweating? Why do I feel
like I need to run a few miles to get this extra bit of
energy out of me? I really hope it's because my body is
beginning to become more efficient, and not because of
some sort of personal dillema buried deep within my
subconscious that I am attempting to solve. Yet, I suspect
that is exactly the cause for my physical symptons.

To make things worse, I beginning to exhibit schizophrenic
behaviour. Not voluntarily, more like ... chemically, I
think. I think another phrase that can best be used to
describe me, is that I'm experiencing a ton of mood
swings. One moment, I feel calm and the next moment, I
feel ... panicked, paranoid, and uncertain.

As I write in here ... I start to feel alot more calm.
Partly because of the onset of drowsiness as a result of a
rather late dinner.

There are alot of things that go through my mind. The one
that came up earlier, was this guy I somewhat. I only know
him through reputation. He is "friend" of a friend of
mine. For the longest time, my friend and I would ponder
how serious a person he was. What his intentions were.
Things like that.

I use to think, that he had some issues. Problems that had
to be solved on his own or at least through professional
counseling. But now ... oddly enough, I begin to compare
myself to him. I begin to wonder if maybe this is how he
feels.

Another thought of mine goes back to what Melanie had told
me a long, long time ago. She told me she was scared, she
was frightened ... she didn't know how to handle her
feelings for me.

... I think maybe ... I can understand this as well. I
think this might have been how she felt all those years
ago. The problem is ... that was years ago for her. If
this a problem that is now happening to me, ... how long
will it take me to fix it?

That's it isn't it? I don't know how to handle this. I
don't know how to handle how I feel for her.

Those many years ago, in that beat up dorm room in a city
so far away ... things seemed easier then. We were both
young, and we both wanted to do things. I wanted something
that I couldn't have. She did too, or so she said. She
told me it wouldn't work, and that it would be too hard on
her. I didn't want to accept it at the time, but I had to.
So as time dragged on, we had our arguments and we had our
memorable moments. And then I realized it was time to move
on. So I left her behind, and hoped that she would be
alright. I knew she would be. And then for the next four
years, she faded into nothing more than a memory for me. A
memory, ... a conversation piece that you bring up when in
the company of others discussing past loves. I would
wonder now and then, if I had made a mistake ... if maybe
she was really the one meant for me.

I would ask people close to me, what they thought of the
idea of a soulmate. Sometimes they would tell me that a
soulmate was a person that loved you no matter what
happened. Others said, it was possible to never unite with
your soulmate and live a life that would always be
substandard to the life you could have had.

The only religion I'm close to is Catholicism. Science
trained, and educated in Western schools, ... the idea of
a soulmate seemed more like a romantic notion than it did
any sort of realistic construct, never being tempered in
the forge of life.

Of course, that was the more serious Charlie then. A more
uptight and perhaps overly angry Charlie. Hate and
sarcasm, was his bread and butter. His dislike for
everyone, his only creed.

Look at me. Three entries in one day. This really must be
on my mind alot.

I don't really know why I went into that. I'm sure I must
have had a good reason for delving into the history. Oh
well, ... I was going to archive it one of these days.
Might as well have been now.

When I met Melanie, I just felt so much happier. I
felt ... fulfilled and satisfied. It hurt like crazy when
she told me she couldn't keep this up anymore. That it
hurt her too much for us to be so far apart and not touch.
I guess she did what she had to do. I don't think I ever
understood, ... not for at least a few years.

I had to do what I must to keep her out of my mind.
Pretend she was happier with someone, or pretend she
forgot about me, or imagine that this life wasn't really
meant for me. One disappointment, after another. It was so
very difficult to blot her out of my life. It got easier
with time. I convinced myself after awhile, the things I
said to myself ... I convinced myself that they were true.
The Melanie relationship seemed to be like another domino
falling in my life. Like, that one relationship that goes
bad that you sometimes have regrets about. That you
sometimes wished would have worked out better. That you
just know if things had just gotten a little better, you
two would be so happy now.

And now ... she is in my life again. I've buried her under
four years of lies, propaganda, assumptions ... And now, I
don't know what to do. Everything that I've done to block
her out of my life, has the possibility of just being a
lie. She says she still loves me. She says she still cares
about me.

What am I suppose to do?

I do this to alot of people. I convince myself of
motivations behind certain actions. Sometimes I turn out
to be right. Sometimes I turn out to be wrong. I guess
this is why I asked myself, if I was ever wrong.

Yes. I am sometimes wrong.

I just finished an email to Mel. It took me somewhere like
an hour to write it. I was writing it as I was writing in
here. It's not that lengthy an email, ... but I thought
about everything I said. It's not a lovey dovey sort of
letter, more of like ... I hope we can talk again sort of
letter.

Am I desperate? I don't think so. Yet this feeling inside
of me ... it feels, ... desperate. Perhaps, another word
to use is ... pining. I pine for her. Yes ... that's it.
Pine. Strange how I'm pining for someone ... that I
thought I was over a long time ago. It makes me wonder ...
if I ever really was over her to begin with. Or did I just
give up when it seemed I would be living my life without
her?

Well, I sent it. I only hope I don't sound desperate, and
sound like I'm pining for her.

Speaking of pining ... the therapist is still upset with
me. But she has gone back to her touchy feely self again.
A bit more than average actually ... I think she's just
really worried about me. She says that this isn't really a
good match ... me and Melanie. I don't know if the
therapist is right about her assessment. She has only seen
me and Melanie get into that huge argument a long time
ago. The therapist has only seen the pain I was in. It's
understandable for her to be so protective like this.

I've written for an awfully long time ... and now I'm just
tired. I think I'll end this for now, and maybe get some
sleep.

I could write more, but it probably wouldn't do me any
good right now.

I just hope that when I wake up ... I'll have an email
waiting for me. I seriously hope so.




Ad: