Codesmith

Life, Or Something Like It
2004-08-17 09:53:09 (UTC)

You Actually Want To Call?

It's 520am. Cooling down. I have the fan pointed at my
naked torso, ... it seems to be helping. Well, ... not as
if it could make things worse.

I just read Mel's email to me. She wants ... to call me.
As far as I remember that's only happened a total of ...
three times in all the years I've known her.

Actually, we haven't talked on the phone since that
fateful day on Febuary ... about three days before that I
think. Happy Valentine's day indeed. I don't think it was
Valentine's day though. Maybe ... the 11th.

I'm a bit disappointed that she doesn't remember my
number. I mean, ... why wouldn't you remember someone's
number? Especially someone you just said you love? I guess
I'm just not someone she calls on a daily basis. Which is
understandable given the circumstances.

I'm a bit apprehensive about the whole deal. I mean, ...
it seems like deja-vu. I mean, ... like that day in
January when she emailed me and told me she was still in
love with me. Why did she pick then to email me? Why pick
now of all times to want to call me? Why not before? I
always have to question such motives because of my
extremely suspicious and not to mention, inquisitive
nature.

The pessimistic part of me, ... it says that she's bored
right now. That she just wants someone to talk to because
of lack of dating material available to her. But to be
honest, ... Melanie is not exactly the sort of person who
has trouble finding dates. She is a hottie, and her
personality is just so addicting that it's hard to
voluntarily be away from her.

I remember all too clearly.

Then again she is a woman ...

I don't need a Strip Analysis to figure out what I'm going
to do. I already decided the moment I finished reading the
email. Perhaps, the question should be ... why? Why should
I?

Am I still in love with Melanie? I'm not sure anymore.

But then again ... is it really love? I mean, I did decide
a few months ago that I would just be friends and nothing
more. Am I ... hoping for something? Maybe.

Maybe I'm just looking for someone to want me. Maybe for
her ... she just wants someone that she can't have ... to
want her back.

Perhaps I just think about these things way too much. Much
more than necessary.

I think ... I'm not real sure, ... but I think the reason
she wants to call is because the last thing she said in
our last argument in Febuary ... she told me that she
didn't want me to ever call her. To which I responded that
wouldn't be a problem because I didn't want to call her.

How long are you suppose to wait before past emotional
baggage should be dropped? If something happens to you in
Febuary that causes you to argue with someone you loved
very much ... are you suppose to let bygones be bygones
when it is August?

I guess the obvious answer is that it depends person to
person.

It's dawn now. I stayed up all night again. If I had more
time I would sleep ... think about what to do. I'd
probably take all night .. so it's probably a good thing I
don't have all night to write my answer.

I kinda wish someone was online right now so that I could
ask her for some advice. Or at least talk bout this.

I guess ... I'm making a big fuss about nothing. I mean,
the decision is simple ... call or not call. Let her call
or not. What's the difficulty? Maybe it's because ... I'm
not real sure ... what she wants. In three seperate emails
she tells me she loves me, misses me, and still hears my
voice in her head.

Is she really in love with me?

I guess maybe that's why someone like myself was able to
come up with that Strips analysis. Only a person who needs
to label and understand the world in terms of ideas,
numbers ... only that sort of person could come up with a
way to break down traits from being perceived on an
emotional/intellectual manner ... to a more precise and
unfriendly elitist manner.

I just would like to know, I guess. But I guess
the "game", or so they call it ... is half the fun.

I haven't exactly archived the day yet. So I'll do that
briefly before I end this entry. Woke up. Didn't do much.
Goofed around with the therapist. Made dinner. Goofed
around some more with the girls. ... Waited till they all
fell asleep, got on the computer checked out my email ...
looked at a few sites, read the news ... worked on my
entries.

Something like that.

Anyway, that's all for the day.




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