Joy

Pieces of Me
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2004-08-17 04:10:50 (UTC)

I Wanna Be In The Light... or Do I?

I'm having trouble with things right now. It's kind of
hard to understand and even harder to put into words....
The one thing that keeps popping into my mind whenever I
think about what's been going on with me lately is the
song "In The Light" by DC Talk.

"I keep trying to find a life
On my own, apart from You
I am the king of excuses
I've got one for every selfish thing I do

What's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a saviour

The disease of self runs through my blood
It's a cancer fatal to my soul
Every attempt on my behalf has failed
To bring this sickness under control

Honesty becomes me (There's nothing left to lose)
The secrets that did run me (In Your Presence are defused)
Pride has no position (And riches have no worth)
The fame that once did cover me (Has been sentenced to
this earth)
Has been sentenced to this earth

I wanna be in the Light
As You are in the Light
I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens
Oh, Lord be my Light and be my salvation
'Cause all I want is to be in the Light
All I want is to be in the Light"


I have never before felt like I've been feeling lately...
like two parts of me are fighting with each other. I'm
sure it's a normal part of life - perhaps a transition of
some sort - but knowing that doesn't really make it any
easier.

I know what's right and what's wrong.
I know that my conscience is still intact, however
inactive it may be at times.
But a lot of the time... I just don't seem to care at all.
I SHOULD care... but I don't. I don't even care that I
don't care.

And worse than not caring if I do the wrong things,
sometimes I WANT to do the wrong things on PURPOSE.

For the first time in my life, I want to go out and
deliberately do the things that I'm not supposed to do.
Maybe I do it for a little excitement, maybe I do it to
prove to myself and everyone else that I don't have to fit
into a mold and be the person I'm expected to be, or maybe
I just do it to make sure that I'm the one person in
control of me. Maybe all three.

I think part of my problem is that I'm such a stubborn
person. It's usually something I'm proud of because so
many people are easily convinced or pushed into doing
something. If I really don't want to do something, there's
no way in hell anyone is going to get me to do it unless I
want to myself. But I guess being stubborn kind of relates
to the third possible reason I listed in the previous
paragraph.

I've had that attitude a lot lately : I am the only one in
control of me.

I think I feel so strongly about it because I have
recently come to the realization that nothing in life can
be controlled EXCEPT oneself and one's own choices.
Therefore I must do everything in my power to be in
complete control of me at all times... and that includes
doing what I want, saying what I want, wearing what I
want, and being who I want at all times for myself and not
for anyone else.

But to a certain extent, I know there is something wrong
with that. And yet I don't want to change.
Knowing that I should change myself only gives me a
stronger desire to be exactly who I want.

It's a relentless cycle.


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