neverthesame

forever changing
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2004-08-16 06:11:16 (UTC)

i am single?!?!?!?!?!

a strange title yea but it is weird to be "single " after
being in a relationship for over a year it was actually 15
and a half months in total but whos counting anymore. it
took about an hour to break up with him yesterday because
he just kept telling me that he would do anything to stay
with me and then today when i was on my way home from work
he called to tell me that i am the only realson he has for
living and that i mean everything to him and that he will
do anything to get me back and it hurt so much to hear him
in that much pain i don't want to cause him that much pain
but i can not be inthis relationship because everything in
me was telling me to get the hell out of it. when he called
me the night before i didn't even wantto answer the phone.
i can't do this i don't have the time or energy to be doing
this to my self or to him when we were on the phone tody he
told me that he used to think that i was keeping him from
what made him happy but now he is more depressed than he
has ever been in his life because the thought of me with
another guy or the thought of me drunk or doing something
like that is the most depressing thing he can think of and
he wants a chance to make it better and i don't have that
chance to give him i am not freaking out or anything i
have been thinking a lot about this and this is what I need
I can not be fullyu into a relationship with mike right now
and that is what he needs is someone to be in a
relationship and be dedicated to him and I need to figure
things out for myself with out the relationship in the back
of my mind. i just can't and it hurts really bad and every
time i think of mike i just hurt i feel this deep cutting
pain in the pit of my stomach but at the same time i feel
this lightness that everything is not so serious it is more
for fun i can do anything that i feel because there is no
one to feel hurt if i hang out with another guy or flirt
with my friends that is just my nature and in some way i
feel that i am not being held down and i know that mike was
not trying to hold me down but i also know that mike was
not ok with all my guy friends who mean a lot to me and
well i need this i love him but i need this and this wins
right now i win right now i need to win for me becvause if
we are meant ot be this will be one little hiccup in the
road adn we will be together someday but as it stands i am
single?!?!?!?!


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